Off The Beaten Path

Goodbye Summer, Hello School

2011-09-07T22:12:00.004-04:00

Walking away from summer is oh so hard to do. We won't pass this way again, this same summer, these same ages and giggles and me filled with awe watching the grace-filled moments.

And then those times I ache at the reality that I am not the best spectator, sitting and watching from the side lines, but still learning it's all good, it's ok and that really every thing is still a miracle. Each day like a present to unwrap, one at a time. And each one a gift to give back in some way.

Might I even whisper here that I was down right scared to start school this year?

I was, but it was good and I join in continuing with my own studies tomorrow and we will do the days together and give thanks and live life as a prayer.

Lord, teach us to number our days so that we may present to thee a heart of wisdom.

Quaker Quotes

2011-08-10T23:05:00.001-04:00

"A Friends' meeting, however silent, is at the very lowest a witness that worship is something other and deeper than words, and that it is to the unseen and eternal things that we desire to give the first place in our lives. And when the meeting, whether silent or not, is awake, and looking upwards, there is much more in it than this. In the united stillness....there is a power known only by experience, and mysterious even when the most familiar." ~Caroline E. Stephen, 1908

A Quaker Attender?

2011-08-04T23:07:00.004-04:00

“It is not in differing from one another

that disunity arises-

it is in not listening to God

and each other.”

`Kenneth Sutton 1989

Recently I’ve had a lot of questions about being a Quaker Attender. People want to know what being a Quaker means and they want to know why it is worth it to me to split our time as a family between church and Quaker meeting. I think if you asked one hundred Friends, you may get one hundred answers about the meaning of being Quaker. It has been a good challenge for me to ponder the question personally.

To me, a Quaker is one who is always seeking God and God’s voice, however one best does that. It is recognizing, and opening my heart to God in me and acknowledging God within others no matter how different they are from me. It is about listening and receiving ministry from God while loving others and at times sharing of myself too. For me, it is about accepting, not rejecting. It is about making one’s circle bigger, not narrower and allowing yourself to listen for truth in that bigger circle. It is about loving, caring and finding peace within yourself so that you might share big portions of that healing presence with others, no matter what “religious language” they speak.

So, why do I attend? Because unprogrammed Quaker worship touches my heart in a way no other form of worship does. Because I yearn for contemplative time and it is not available at church and I go because it is anything but silent. The time is filled with prayer, waiting eagerly on God and renewing my spirit. The practice of listening is sacred to me and I want time to share what I strive to do individually throughout the week together with others. I also want to my children to learn to still and experience that not every moment in life needs to be filled with fast action and entertainment. Then I want to sit back and grant them the freedom and experience the joy in watching them grow wherever they choose to plant themselves.

I go because I love attempting to live out the testimonies daily and though I am at times very slow to speak, I believe that God gives greatly in the unselfing- the shedding our masks and allowing ourselves to be known. He reminds us to attend to ourselves so that we may better honor others and in turn offer them what we have to give. It is in this willing spirit, I remember I am connected to what is much larger than myself and that we are all more alike than not. I am also reminded God loves us all and is pleased when we are in unity.

Likewise, I am pleased when I find unity and love amongst the congregation at church. I think that began for me more when I had peace within myself, knowing I am never out of the presence of God in any context. I enjoy seeing action lived out of strong convictions there. I love to hear the ministry and I enjoy seeing the praise. Any enthusiastic invitations I once perceived as pressure, I have come to see as pure love. I also admit that I like hearing my husband sing and seeing him very happy. There is some thing very special to worship alongside of the one you love dearly.

All people matter so very much to God. My prayer is that God would continue to grow us all as a people together in the larger community of the body of Christ. In that manner, we would be united in Love with less denominational boundary lines drawn in the larger church including Friends. May I be patient, listen more and talk less and may my heart be in my ears.

A Well Watered Garden

2011-07-14T22:55:00.000-04:00

In a well watered garden,

Sun scorched flowers flowed forth

Faces reaching out toward the sun

Washed by streams of pure water

As we too are washed

By the Living Word.

Ever open to receive

New Light.

Living, pouring out

We are watered

When we water others.

Nests

2011-07-07T17:59:00.001-04:00

I collect nests. It’s the time of year the birds are done with making them, and their little ones venture out and away. Shortly after, I find a few per year on the ground after a surprise summer storm or wild winds blow unexpectedly. I enjoy arranging them in an indoor display and even tuck a few in my simple holiday decorations each year. Rarely do any visitors notice on their own, but I usually put them through the chore of finding them. It’s fun for me. They are filled with such beauty, but also are reminders of safety to me. They are natural safe havens for baby birds before they take flight into the world on their own.

There is so much God has given us in nature to learn from. All people have the need to feel safe at times, and I find chronically ill people have this need due to the constant uncertainties they live with. I know I do. Fear and anxiety can rear their ugly face. Nests remind me that my true home is safe in Christ. Bits of branches like God’s promises are woven together. Our little home encircles in words and I am reminded to share loving words, grace words and to comfort one another in our home, like that nest when winds here blow too. We hold hands of love both near and far. Here it is safe. Here we help one another. Here is Emmanuel, God with us, who whispers quietly in my heart and yours, do not be afraid.

Wednesday Photos

2011-06-22T20:57:00.006-04:00

The past two months we have had great fun making bread with yeast. We never had much success before getting to know and love Kathy Summers. The wheat bread, challah bread and bread pretzels are out of her cookbooks entitled The Best and Easiest Handmade Breads and Healing With Handmade Bread. All the recipes we have tried so far have been truly relaxing and have made the best and quickest bread we have ever had. With these recipes, I am once able to eat bread again after many years. Thanks to Kathy, we are able to "Give thanks. Eat some. Share some" as she says.

Peace is not a Place

2011-06-07T21:44:00.003-04:00

As far back as I can recall I was on a quest for peace. Ultimately, I think it’s all I’ve ever really wanted here on this earth. I desired it even as a young child and some how attached peace to long walks alone through the field, up along the bubbling brook and precariously wriggling across fallen logs high up over the water where no one could find me. This desire for peace has never left me through the many stages of life and any shift in maintaining it tends to deflate my world.

Being a young mother was a test of maintaining not only peace, but sanity. I can recall fighting for a chance to even go to the bathroom or take a shower myself and often had one child in with me for safety sake and the others on the other side of the door screaming and pounding. At that time, I had been used to very structured time of daily reading, devotions and prayer life prior to those years and had no clue how to go about re-establishing a connection with God in the midst of the noise and constant motion which motherhood totally obliterated. It was not like I could take time out for scheduled reading, prayer or even a walk along the brook anymore. And I grew weary of rebuking myself for it.

That’s when I first started to look outside the box of what I knew about devotions, quiet time and recapturing peace within my being. I set out on a search and had to throw lot of guilt down the drain on preconceived notions and prescribed schedules that I had viewed as a measurement of spiritual health. As I did, I began to savor any fleeting moments in which I would sense God’s presence deeply.

Consequently I began to look for God’s presence in all my moments through out the day. I found peace and devotion while sitting on the park bench, when smelling a flaming red rose and while watching my kids play and viewing them as silhouettes catching lightening bugs as the sun went down. I saw God in the face of that neighbor who never gave up befriending me. I began to snatch these experiences and reflect on them, then fit in prayer and reading when I could, not necessarily how I was taught, and in return I felt a connection with God in a different way. My guilt released and was replaced by newly found freedom.

Then one day my peaceful world shattered and no matter how one prepares spiritually for that or confidently believes they have faith to handle it well, it takes the experience and time to put it to the test. For a good while I could not put the pieces of life back for myself or my family and I craved peace, retreat, and sanctuary of the soul as I became increasingly ill physically. I yearned for a quiet place to run where I didn’t feel trapped by life circumstances. I wanted my predictable life and so called “normal” family back. It was a tall order as circumstance and illness had disrupted all of our equilibrium and as sick as I was I sat for hours outdoors, I’d walk my property line along my yard and gaze endlessly at the field across my home. I’d do anything to escape the inner confines of my house and the recollection of it all. I’ve always been a runner in my mind.

Silly it was. I bought myself a delicate silver peace necklace which my hand habitually clung to. It was as if I attempted to brand myself with peace but anyone who saw me knew my soul and body were a far cry from that necklace’s proclamation to the world.

Fearing for my family, I was back to the business of restoring order and peace in a house full of strife and like never before I came to understand I had to rest in the truth of what peace really meant to me. I was forced to learn it could not be found by escaping to another place–an open place, not even a quiet place. It can’t always be found in health either. Life doesn’t hand us an eraser to wipe up complexities but it does bring to us the gift of a new morning and a chance to just take the next step in blind trust.

Ultimately, I found peace was not a place we live in, but within our hearts. I was awarded the opportunity to re-frame what I’ve always known about the God I believed in, that he is good and that all from his hand is good though may not initially be welcome through human eyes. He is there to connect with in extraordinary ways and I am still learning that if I cannot have that peace and connection restored within myself and God, I can never find it within walls, outside myself or with the larger world where we are called to continue the good.

It started with the Spirit within my spirit and must co-exist through motherhood, chaos, diagnosis’, and loss. While it eluded me, the more I practiced non-traditional times of silence, the more I began to recapture it when I became willing to bring my true self to God and abide with him. I still have times of more structured worship, but unprogrammed worship has taught me that hiding my emotions within myself or in a field rather than casting them to the Light robs my world and the world around me of peace.

I’m not healed physically but I am here and whom I’m meant to be. There is obviously no perfect life or family but one with love, and many a day I still wear my necklace. I know it is completely unnecessary but the beauty of that Asian peace sign has become a comfort, a symbol of empowerment in Christ; it is a reminder of an objective decision I made for healing what could be restored and to recapture and redefine the peace I craved.

Although there is much more to know about Jehovah Rapha, I believe that true peace is not a place, but God within. That peace is every where I could possibly go and in every circumstance. I take it with me in my heart and especially into the noise and confusion of living. This life is fleeting with much to continue learning about the Spirit and peace, but perhaps too there is still time to let the little kid run and play once in a while rather than yearn so desperately for what has already been granted and just accept the offering with open hands and heart.

“.....peace be with you.”
John19:26

Wednesday Photos

2011-06-01T21:50:00.007-04:00

Prairie skirts have been the thing for us girls here this spring. I have the need to wear all cotton clothing. We sent to have them made by Katie's Mercantile, which is very reasonably priced. Katie will even send fabric swatches in the mail if you ask her and they are fun to look at. I miss being able to cross-stitch, so I gave sewing a try after 20 some years and made another one for myself by tracing the first one for a pattern. I was pleasantly surprised I could focus well enough with my eyes, but I have to say I enjoy ordering them much better! Lots of room in them to climb trees still, but we still wear our jeans at home and about also.

I'm Back

2011-05-31T15:50:00.002-04:00

I find it absolutely impossible to blog while attending a Spiritual Formation Program and simultaneously home educating my daughters. Thus, these are two of my 101 reasons for being silent here. Please know that I have missed you all and have snuck by your blogs late at night because of it, but haven’t always had time to leave a message. Admittedly so, I did complete Year 1 a month ago, but I’ve had to play catch up in many areas. Also, confession is good for the soul, so I will tell you ahead of time, if I am able to attend Year 2 beginning in September I will once again go quiet in this place. I find myself using the phrase, 'Lord willing' lately!

While catching up with life, I’ve been made aware that I need to limit my time on the internet to balance life and take care of my eyes, for which the screen glare is the worst for dry eye. So, I’ve pruned. I’ve pruned and set time limits and made my computer area a separate little private space in my home, rather than by my favorite chair for less easy access. Presented here for my benefit probably more than yours, are the places I am mostly at and why. Here goes:

My e-mail box- Messages are ‘red flagged’ and deep. I am having trouble keeping up with them all, but love to hear from family and friends, please know I will get to yours in time

The Well-Trained Mind- These ladies know their stuff when it comes to home education. Great place to sell and buy used curriculum and books

Living Whole With Chronic Pain- For when I need a great display of love, unity and courage. They are my family on the net and they make Jesus their center, not their pain.

Face Book-The quickest skim ever once or twice per week, when I am nostalgic for 1981

QuakerQuaker-aka convergent Friends with good reads that enrich my days

Quaker Faith&Fellowship- Mostly quick glances, because it is hard to leave what you helped create and those you love. Because shutting doors on those who have gone out of this life before me I am learning, takes time

That’s about it. I’m aware of my need to re-prioritize life day to day as well as my aim to keep Christ first. It really comes down to obedience, for me. ‘Obedience’ may not be a popular word today and especially amongst Friends, but it is important and not so bad. I am finding life beyond my computer precious and I need to keep in mind it comes first and it is fleeting. The words of Richard Foster to ring true to me right now. Foster said, “Obedience is really not as burdensome as it seems at first blush. We are doing nothing more than falling head over heels in love with the everlasting Lover of our souls. We are responding in the only way we can to the invading, urging, inviting, persuading call of Eternal Love.”

Seeing God's Face

2011-03-07T23:04:00.003-05:00

The God that dreamed us up makes no mistakes. I see God in the face of the ill at the hospitals I frequent, the poor and oppressed, the severely learning disabled and the one who opens the door for the young single mother toting a baby on her hip. Though today, my mind has traveled back in time to my teaching years. They were good years, working as a speech and language specialist. Some were in programs for the poor and disadvantaged and other assignments were amongst the very private, elite elementary and high schools in my region. I enjoyed them all, but as we added more children to our own family, I considered myself fortunate to come home to tend to my own full-time. There was a gap in time, prior to doing so in which I still needed some additional income. So, I picked up a few tutoring jobs with students within their own home settings. It was just a temporary couple of assignments, but one student in particular that helped fill in that gap, gave me a gift.

That would be Ephraim. (I changed his name for privacy sake, and what fun that was to pick out a child’s name again just then!) Only Ephraim was not so much a child in chronological years, as he was in intellectual years. He was nearing his eighteenth birthday and we were pushing the system to continue to provide for his needs, as he was autistic and deserving of continued care.

I did not have much experience with the autistic as a therapist, as I mostly worked with children with language and articulation problems, but I always loved a good challenge. I prepared heavily for meeting Ephraim by reading his files, test results and researching communication options. I was determined to provide at least a basic daily language skills communication board or system of some kind for him and his family. As it turns out, what little I was given to work with, I would be devising this method and any materials required myself. I soon learned that God sent Ephraim to teach me, rather than me to teach him. Some times the Maker is surprisingly creative like that.

One glance from the front door to my student at the dining room table revealed a handsome and promising young man. I was greeted by the kindest and most relieved looking set of older parents, who quickly took the opportunity to welcome me into their home with warmest of greetings. They did seize the opportunity to take a break and step out into the lingering autumn air with me there. I placed my briefcase down and slowly made my way to try to get near as possible to Ephraim. He allowed that, from the first day, yet never looked at me for weeks to come. He was full care, needing to be fed, clothed and aided in moving about. He also needed to be changed as he was yet still in diapers. Some days were better than others, and I soon learned to start with the basics and we were associating objects and words on the level of a very young child. I was striving my best, not wanting to let this young man or his family down.

The family owned a great mobile vacation home. I soon learned that this was a hide away of sorts in their own yard, for family members to take a well-deserved break from the constant, exhausting care of Ephraim. It was also one of Ephraim’s favorite places to be however! One day, his Dad greeted me at the door and told me to leave my brief case in my car. We linked arms with Ephraim and took him to the trailer to let him sit in the driver’s seat. That was the first time I heard him laugh and laugh he did, as what appeared to be a cup of saliva flowed out of his mouth. He simply loved sitting behind that wheel! His Dad explained to me, that despite the professional Child Study Team services and this young man’s Individual Education Plan, he simply wanted his son happy. That was above all goals for his son. This father made it crystal clear that I was to focus on being with Ephraim, rather than all the doing that we had planned and wanted to know if I could understand that?

I glanced at Ephraim and I glanced over at his father and I thought of our Father in each one of us that day.

I soon began to see God in the face of Ephraim. We often played simple games in that trailer, we did puzzles together, and we blew thru straws, and traded small toys back and forth. Some times, I was lucky enough to have a helper and to take Ephraim on a short drive around his neighborhood in my car. The motion was of course stimulating and entertaining for him as he glanced out the window and he often would just laugh the entire time on a good day. There were many bad days too. But how beautiful a moment in time was, like heaven on earth when Ephraim would finally look ever so briefly into my eyes, linger a few seconds and smile broadly, all the while dumping saliva and me cleaning it up as fast as I could. I can’t quite describe the feeling of joy, love and peace that would be contained in those very few moments of connection. They would give me a smile that would light up my heart for days and his parent’s hearts as well, when they would take notice. The first session that happened, his Dad hugged me and said, “Today-that- was-it , that is all we want, not academic achievement, not promises, not tests and more evaluations, but love and happiness.”

I was used to demands-very big demands while participating in Child Study Teams. This was all new to me, and while we had those formal sessions that were periodically required of us all, Ephraim would sit in the next room in his wheelchair and his Dad would give me a wink as all the professionals would use their big jargon. We all had to take our prospective places in our occupations, but I think his Dad was everything good and right. He had made certain that Ephraim was as functional as possible and went as far as he could go in every area of development, and surrendered the rest. I also found he did his surrendering to God. We got along even better from that time on. What was a temporary job, simply stuck in between the corners of my life, and taught me much.

God has a special place in his heart for the people this world does not. It’s vital that we do our best and put our faith into action, but God was teaching me a different lesson this time about simply ‘being’. He wanted me to learn that some times that is enough and that his children are enough, and unique and loved so dearly by him. He taught me that the heart is more important than the mind and to speak plainer and that there is much time to keep big words out of my mouth in this life. This young fellow gave me no arguments, no intellectual debates. He didn’t have a lot of words, but had the miraculous capacity to suddenly connect at times. Those moments of love and sharing of raw emotion and the little affection I was able to break through to share with him meant so much. I know those moments originated in God, the Source from the very beginning. I know that Ephraim was fully human and fully part of God’s kingdom. As I left that assignment and made my way home, I took the lesson with me that it is also at times easier for the most simplistic of minds to speak and believe in the Living God, than the lofty and gifted. Some days, I still pull of my memories of Ephraim and his family out when I need to remember what matters most.

Making Time for Reflection

2011-02-04T21:32:00.007-05:00

I pull back my morning curtain and smile inside, wondering if it is ever possible to fully comprehend the depths of how much God loves us. Glancing at the sunrise, seeing the snow laden pine branches hang low and the cardinals red streak across the pristine white new layer and the black capped chickadees flitting about so playfully, I fill with awe, with joy and peace beholding creation’s new chapter of a day to live. I take a deep breath in Him and whisper a prayer to start my morning. I dress and make my way out to the kitchen and see the delicate faces of miniature daffodils in the very dead of the winter, warmed from the memory of my mother’s visit the day before and their faces pull me toward them and seem to nod in agreement with the happiness of all the goodness that I am aware has grown through the years. All this, and the day has just awaken and I know that I must seek to live the experience of life, and wake up the senses to receive the here and now.

The girl’s laughter floods the room like sunshine, and they are chewing over breakfast and the idea of skipping lessons today and heading straight for the hills with their sleds. I spin with the thought of all that truly needs to be accomplished, yet in their eager faces I am once again reminded that we can do this, we can slow in all this busyness and hold onto a contemplative way, into the presence of God and live our lives like a prayer. We pile onto the school room couch warmed under the thick quilt together as we review our assignments for the day and Little One reminds me that it is day twelve on our ‘100 Day Calendar for Joy Habit’s by blurting out her memorized quote of the day from Helen Keller, “You will find joy in overcoming obstacles,” she tells me, face peering up like a shining new penny. She’s chosen a good one I chuckle to myself inside.

“Yes,” I answer, “ and we can count the joy until it becomes a habit and we can celebrate each new day.” Daughter Two adds her poem she wrote from her blog last week. We slow and linger under the quilt in the schoolroom while we move through the sharing of the new poem and literature of the week, plan for a history project together and math. Calmed and contented we move through our morning routine and I reach back in time and am suddenly become that excited and happy child in my mind and announce that school is out early and they scramble for the hills.

I sink into my chair by the window and know this was an exceptionally good morning, and I am relieved to have an unexpected break in my schedule. Even though I’ve got a truckload of more stressful work awaiting me, I grab the time to pray for more grace and reflect on what moment I was most grateful for in the past twenty-four hours and what moment I was least grateful. As I do so, I am reminded that Jesus was so very busy while on earth, yet he was known to slip away for solitude. So, I take the moments to think on these many consolations from my morning that left me feeling peaceful, happy and connected to God and while uncomfortable as it is at times, I let my mind seek out the moments of desolation. These are moments where I commonly feel a lack of peace- perhaps a bit rushed, stressed, or a bit nervous and I know in time that I can come to use these patterns for deepening inner growth. This involves a practice of trust, this continuously listening for God, yet it draws me in to feeling safe, because listening and following God is following the voice of love.

I’m quietly adding this habit of examen to my own ‘100 Days of Joy Habits’. For some time now, I’ve done a daily review of sorts at the end of my day by reading through ‘The Serenity Prayer’ and contemplating the day. I’m now eager to go a bit deeper in awareness, knowing God always speaks and wishes us to balance our deepest desires together in union and I’ve just got to keep remembering to fully show up for life. This God always longs for us to have freedom, and is drawing us to himself, The Light, and I know that I will never be done with this process of continual discernment in life.

In fact, it is the very time that I think I know the will and way of God in my life, that He moves in an unexpected way and reminds me to live with my hands and heart a bit wider open to listen to him, to make more time for him and to allow his transformation to take place and grow. In learning to evolve from this daily life review to experiment with more of an Ignatian examen, I am reminded how critical it is to not to journey in this life alone. It helps to have others to hold out a mirror in which I can see my own reflection, perhaps in many different ways that I’d not normally come to realize by myself. Also, I’m finding lately that being more transparent isn’t always comfortable, but laying one’s self bare tends to yield the most fruit. I’m eager to grow this habit over time to note the repetitive patterns in life that resurface and need my attention and obedience. It is a one-piece life of communion through the day and God speaking in the many moments that keeps me coming back to invite God into all of my moments. Life at times is full of ambiguity, but it is also true God is moving around us and in each of us and we are never done with this living communion and discerning life circumstance until we take our last breath. We are made to commune and to be faithful to follow his voice.

The silence is broken by the sound of footsteps and boots being flung across the entryway. Rosy cheeks enter, chilled but thrilled with the break in our routine and while the snow gets tracked into the house, wet cloths are scattered about and the list of chores must be attended to, joy is there. I count it and I hear the laughter and life that fills this house that reminds me to take a deep breath, to capture the fleeting moments, to pray and that there is no separation within all these moments as I try to place the whole of my life in balance under the leadings of Christ. And God is there in the faces satisfied with the hot cocoa and the mess and the whirl of the rest of the day on the way and warms our hearts with his freedom, love and grace for gifting us our heart’s desires among our messes.

Honestly Now...

2011-01-12T17:00:00.002-05:00

This space has become a bit intimidating in the New Year. It seems everywhere I turn, there are people making admirable New Year resolutions. I’ve caught myself trying to paste on an Academy Award Winning face, but the truth is I feel about as bare and empty as my hollowed out tree in my back yard in the dead of winter.

Just hanging up a new calendar this year was hard. It was a gift from my online friend that passed on this autumn. Don’t let anyone ever tell you that online friends aren’t ‘real’. I’m still a bit bent over from missing his (almost) daily e-mails and calls. The calendar is a precious present, but a bittersweet reminder that all the possibilities for chewing over our thoughts and words, laughing over editing mistakes and other impish times are gone and my heart aches to try to write in this place. While I do not grieve without hope, this has been a most difficult of doors to for me to close on a loved ones going out.

There are some seasons that are just naturally heavier with burdens than others and winter, while it is beautiful, seems to some times be one of them. I’ve just spent a month slowly initiating a drug not approved in the US for my motility disorder. I truly pinned my hope on this one. Over the course of a month, I have mustered up boldness enough and laughed here at my typical dumping out and meticulously dividing dosages that I increase in tiny increments. I look as if I got it straight off street and I’m quite certain it would have been much cheaper that way! It always takes courage to start, being allergic to most medications, so the bottom kind of dropped out hard when it failed, especially as I waited so long and when it happens to be the last option. In the midst of this and the holidays, my husband, who I could count the number of times he was ill in 25 years of marriage on one hand, slowly developed symptoms of a temporary autoimmune disease that normally hits young children under the age of five. I say temporary, but the approximate eight weeks for this ditty to burn itself out has seems to have come and gone. I am now watching him jog off to the lab and doctors like I frequent, which is very strange and a bit unsettling.

So, a bit of unexpected happenings seem to be following me like a shadow into the New Year and I wish to fill this space with bright and shining new stories and they are not flowing. I don’t share for sympathy, but for the importance of being an authentic believer. I am simply a messy child of God. I’ll tell you what is good, though. The emptiness is not completely barren, because I know that God’s promises are true. I am being ‘held’ and we all are. I now know not to live life by feelings, and that feelings change and there is hope for other unexpected good openings. I’m keenly aware of the simple and extravagant gifts God sends in the midst of what seems like dormant times: the never ending laughter inside my walls here from our children, their help in our home, and a chance to give back a miniscule amount of care and love that my husband has shown me over the past 5 years, as if that is even a bit possible!

There are grace filled moments every day and always someone to help encourage that has life harder than we do. I am ever more aware of the blessing of seeing God’s face in those that remain and journey alongside me. I’m even thrilled to make a new younger friend, whose smiling face is on this page and whether she knows it or not, is teaching me more about God these days than I am teaching her. Beyond that, she thinks I might be able to sew, and has me literally in stitches of laughter in the midst of my some times tears! I stink at sewing, but am willing to give it a go again once more.

I’ve also been reminded that we all must write love on our own arms each day in order to do so for others; to love our neighbors as ourselves we must truly love ourselves. Weekly I am told this and blessed by my Christian Spiritual Formation classes that have started up again this past week. It is hard to believe it is semester two already and it is by far the most healing thing I’ve done since my illnesses began, though it does limit my time online and especially in writing here. God has placed me with the kindest people though, who are full of wisdom and shine his Light. I’ve been assigned to a wonderful supervisor who knitted me a beautiful prayer scarf that arrived here by mail before the holiday. It has warmed my heart-the one I’ve had to reveal to her in truth the past four months along with my Spiritual Director who is such a good listener and challenges me in my own spiritual walk.

So there is much going on in a bare winter tree that looks hollow and dormant. I know there is Truth in my roots and they help me stand on the promise that God will see me through, as the Lord is the strength of my life. (Psalm 27:1) We can all trust and look forward to the future, knowing our heavy seasons will not last forever, especially when Christ is at the center ensuring we have a Living stronghold in this life. When we feel too weak to hang on, God never lets us go. There will be a time for nourishment and for springing up with new life and growth. Each new day is a gift in which there is another chance to set our mind on things above, things eternal. Christ asks us to leave things behind and to follow him and some times those are the hardest of things or people, but necessary in the journey.

May your footsteps be ‘held’ and gently guided, as we grow with the Christ child in the coming year. I hope for you to see beauty in new beginnings and know the reality of his Presence and I trust that peace and joy will tip toe quietly into all of our days and cause us to smile when we least expect it.

I Collect Love

2010-12-10T16:30:00.006-05:00

My grandfather owned an antique shop next to his farmhouse and I lived next door when I was a young child. I’d leisurely walk around the shop and barns, spotting new additions: a clock here, a old table and chair set there. Occasionally, there would be a newer item. I had my eye on it- a wooden treasure box. I must have been all of ten at the time that I bought it and I’ve been filling it with love ever since.

I collect special cards from my parents, loved ones and those who have passed on before me. There is a tightly packaged set of letters from my then military boyfriend, now husband with postal marks from all over the world, special momentums, poems and memories of days gone by. I’ve tucked my tiny bible in, along with a small evergreen scented pillow, filled with pine needles from a camping trip long ago, when my family was how I first knew it. It’s amazing how sweet the fragrance and memory is still.

I had a love spill long ago. I had to reorganize and start placing items that would no longer fit, in my antique blanket chest, which used to sit at the foot of my grandparents canopy bed. To my amazement, I found a square white box, which my youngest and I opened with wonder. It was my ring of roses and babies breath that I wore upon my head that hot July day when I decided against a veil. As my own baby tried it on wide eyed, I recalled my own momma giving it to me, as she had dried it while I was on my honeymoon. She said I’d need to see it again some day, and she was right.

I always have loved old treasures and antiques, especially old hope chests, as I have great wonder of what was in them before I owned them and what stories they might tell if they could talk. Then there are dusty corners that contain a few detours in the road, only known to the owner. I think about that day when I’m long gone and what will become of them all. I suppose we all have some surprises that surface tucked in amongst handprints and proud preschool glued button framed photos and dark crayon drawn ‘I love you momma’ pictures with my face and hands drawn so big.

Yes, I collect love.

How God must yearn for that too. Perhaps when one gets right down to it, the only thing that counts is faith expressing itself in love; loving God in all people and extending it to all people is what really counts. (Galatians 5:6) What would it look like to love Him as my first love and to love him passionately for all of His people? To take all that I know as my truth and let it all plummet from my mind, deep within my heart.

G.K. Chesterton said, “Let your religion be less of a theory and more of a love affair.”

A love affair - a heart contemplation put into action.

The beauty of such may begin in the mind, but surely settles in the heart and is the holy business of God’s people. Some days I seek God’s way and pray fervently for an answer to an item of discernment when the answer has all ready been provided simply where I stand. “…. If we love one another, God dwelleth in us, and his love is perfected in us.” (1 John 4:12)

I’ve filled my box and trunk rather selectively through the years. Much to my sorrow when I announced my search and rescue mission to locate it after our last move, a few treasures I was positive I had saved were not there. My heart sank, as I do recall now the day that those went by the wayside, heart much afraid to hold them too tightly. Yes, I had discarded them. I let them slip through my fingers like sand. Some words can only be savored in the memory of the heart. These pieces deliberately tossed at the time and long forgotten give me cause to think why. Maybe it was more about whom I could not tolerate at the time or who could not tolerate them being a piece of me. Mean while it’s taken years, really decades later, to learn how to slide on over for one another with grace and make more room. God repeats some lessons until one has had enough practice.

I loved that old antique shop and this precious box and trunk, yet not the material items themselves, but the love they represent. I’m left with an image of God’s extravagant love overflowing without bounds that could not possibly be contained in these cherished chests. His love is huge. It never discards or fails; it is a patient love that tolerates and envelopes all, sealed with the offer of redemption. As I’ve made my finite attempts at loving, He’s been teaching me that bigger infinite Love- that baby in a manger every day offered Love. That Love at a distance is warm and comfortable, while Love close up is a transforming fire. That’s the kind of wild love freely offered inside all and not to be hidden away in an old chest of time.

“A new commandment I give unto you, that ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another. By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another.” ~John 13:34-35

Wednesday Photo and Quaker Quote

2010-12-01T12:19:00.006-05:00

"God stirs up our comfortable nests, and pushes us over the edge of them, and we are forced to use our wings to save ourselves from falling. Read your trials in this light, and see if your wings are being developed."

~Hannah Whitall Smith

Though we are rapidly moving towards winter and the Christmas holidays, my mind is not quite there yet! It may appear, I am thinking spring with my nest here, but it is just my crazy love of collecting birds nests. Us girls have begun talk about keeping our decorating and holiday simple, and will place all our nests in our tree as it is a joyful custom we keep. It is great fun to make the relatives and visitors find them. We have not begun much shopping either, as that part of the holiday some times wearies me. We are all so rich in so many ways it has become difficult to think of what small, but meaningful gifts to give. Once again, the girls minds have turned toward the most fun idea of all to them: sending bibles, blankets and chicken to Asia. In our frenzy here, we have lost the catalogue in which they begin to circle what they would like to give. The reactions of those they donate to in their name have been priceless other years. Perhaps it is good enough to enter into Christmas gently and slowly-to first think on baby Jesus and realize that all will be well if we keep God with Us every day of the year.

~May your season be filled with the blessing of hope and peace.~

Quakers and Gratitude

2010-11-14T21:57:00.005-05:00

Life is hard. Gratitude eases that burden. It knows no limits and broadens life from the inside out. Being grateful is an important spiritual practice for me, and one that seems to take Friends by surprise at times I notice. However, I’ve learned I need to see beyond myself through noticing life’s joys and blessings and even by seeing the beautiful in the ugly if need be. It is God in our midst.

A big part of being Quaker to me, is the freedom to express myself as led- what the Light in my heart is illuminating. I find cause to give thanks in that alone. At times, I feel Friends have good news and a great opportunity to speak it. I have been gifted so much, and chances are that you have too, if you are sitting at your computer reading this today. Even in the stillness and silence practice of Friends we are free to contemplate, seek guidance, give thanks, and yes, even praise! That is a treasure in our fast paced world of today.

So often I notice we as Friends focus on the entire ill in the world, and we should unite in the cause of overcoming much ill with good. But in wishing to remake the world, it seems we can get very serious and not lift our heads up from these injustices. I think experiencing that ‘inner nudge’ toward doing good in the world is one of the most important of the avenues of religious experience, keeping in mind that one does not dwell on good works for personal gain. However, I think daily gratitude is some thing that helps to see and recognize the God within and working in our daily lives. Expressing that, for me, lifts my soul and becomes contagious when I experience others who do the same. Perhaps it is a balance. It need not be all about feeling which is fluid, but a natural symptom of the devotion of the heart.

Obviously, we are not all the same. We ought to be part of the world and give back to God for it. We should strive for peace and betterment today. But somewhere in the mix of it all, it feeds me when the Light illuminates sparks of joy- surprises and the grace of God daily. This daily love affair with God, naturally then gives cause to see the sacred in each ordinary day. The truth is, I am looking quite earnestly amongst Quakers for gratitude and joy sparks. I think there is room to proclaim our thankfulness. Our roots are Christian and I am finding many stand firmly in those roots still, and their spirituality grows strong, but all of us are able to practice offering thanks. Every little glimmer of Light changes me and I believe for those around me. This daily giving thanks and expressing gratitude in meeting also seems logical and appropriate. Gratitude makes sense of our past and connects it to today. It brings more peace for today and creates more hope for tomorrow. To me, that sounds very Friendly. So, I continue my gratitude search and my own practice of journaling them, and on the darkest of days, God makes my heart glad.

George Fox quoted this verse in one of his journals: “Thou hast put gladness in my heart.” Psalm 4:7. He continued on to write: “Praise, honor, and glory be to the Lord of heaven and earth! Lord of peace, Lord of joy! Thy countenance maketh my heart glad. Lord of glory, Lord of mercy, Lord of strength, Lord of life, and of power over death, and Lord of lords, the King of kings!”

I think George had his head on straight when it came to praise, which is so often a lost art today. I want to diligently remember who to give it to. Every month of the year lends itself to continuing the count. So, I have scribbled in my journal and given thanks for so many things lately. Won’t you consider joining me? Here are a few from my page this past week...

Brilliant leaves
Two dogs in my window
Find my childhood bible again
My treasure box of love
Holding hands watching movies
Tired Husband reading scripture
Giddy girls anticipating possible new life here with their bunnies
A warm kitchen and help in it
Homegrown music on the harp and guitar
The stately pines out my bedroom window
My Grandmother who just turned 93
Old wooden benches and floorboards
The renewing gift of silence
Every new morning

Just from my Spiritual Journal....

2010-11-09T17:35:00.006-05:00

As a dreamer, at my window

just in time to see

a gust of autumn

spray it's brilliance,

to reveal hidden corners

and brush off dusty dreams.

A singular leaf floats down.

That is when You breeze by

and I remember to choose joy-

to keep the door of my heart on a crack

and the key upon the shelf again.

I open the clouds like curtains,

as Your Love shines through.

Wednesday Photos

2010-11-03T10:23:00.000-04:00

"If we better studied and understood God's creation, this would do a great deal to caution and direct us in our use of it. For how could we find the impudence to abuse the world if we were seeing the great Creator stare us in the face through each and every part of it?" ~ William Penn

Take the Cure

2010-10-16T15:38:00.008-04:00

As I set my tall glass of water down, the crystal coaster slammed to the floor and shattered to pieces. That would make it five out of a set of six for me. My heart sank. I was moving too fast in the land of mom, wife, teacher and now student this past month. While my new school challenges have gone so well, other occurrences have left me bent over breathless.

Down on my knees I hear the voice of Little One with the words that I’ve taught her, “It is just a thing Momma,” as I pick up the shards of glass. Sweet, but the truth is I’ve shattered, not just the glass, as old fear begins to rise up inside of me. I’ve dipped too far back into regrets and fast-forwarded in time to where I do not belong yet, worried how I will cope. That’s a sign to me to take a deep breath, hold some silence and let God work out what’s really going on, as the Living God does not intend the blessings of life marred with the burden of fear along the journey.

A quick review of the past couple of weeks told the truth of a precious one diagnosed with cancer, the death of a dear friend, and a tense email received and my pitch hit to ‘fix’ twenty years for others, which struck out immediately. In the midst, I’ve begun our home educating again and made several trips back and forth to my Philadelphia hospital for appointments. Needless to say, I have had to rush a bit through my feelings.

It is odd how emotions have a way of surfacing when least expected.

Daughter Two arrives with the vacuum and a sympathetic look. I thank them both and cover the heart of fear beating fast with a smile and move along, but the wounded trust slow. I arrive back to the moment and marvel at the good growing in these daughters. These young ones who read fractures better than others I have known, and how they dole out generous portions of love to others and me along their way.

I cry. I wonder how that will affect my children, but I live by my heart and just maybe it is just fine and important that they learn to cry too. I can’t always stop things from breaking. I can surrender and pray the pieces are safe when they land.

I remember the year our family broke and entire new glass set and how my patient husband recently drove me back to our favorite kitchen store, a state away to repurchase the same one. They were pretty. I accepted the kind offer, but it was not necessary. I think about passing priorities down to the younger generation in our extended family and I have naturally learned to follow suit. My Grandma said ‘things’ don’t matter, and I remember how she broke glasses too, and that she encouraged me to join in and laugh over it. Her laughter was so freeing to me then and she never fretted with herself over it. I can still smell the green Palmolive soap that she let me squeeze far too much of in the dishpan and how warm and slippery the water felt on our hands as we worked and giggled together. My own Momma loves to give abundantly, but has also taught the real gift that people matter far more than material possessions as well. I see the good and love in these women and am blessed that they are still in my life.

But people breaking- that’s another thing entirely. My heart wants to love big and fix old wounds and all who suffer. I fear that I cannot. I fear that in my imperfection and illness that I may sadden or break others. I am still learning in this journey toward further wholeness to sill still with God through storms. I sit with the word surrender.

Once again, I think to myself, sometimes letting go is the best way to hold on.

I am propelled back to my words the past few weeks. My mind is stuck on how I could have said more to Dear One while I still had the chance. Oh how I wish I could send just one more email or card. I think about how I could have been a better peacemaker in my family of origin. How I desire to sand the edges smooth of the conversations around me. Or better yet, leave that reply button alone and keep myself safe on the fringe to help hide the tender places, because the words repeat and throw me back in time then notoriously hurl me far into the future. My stomach twists and I realize I must comfort my own body too.

All swept up again, I realize it’s simply time again to take the cure, not to stop engaging and loving. I get a new glass of water, and begin to sip on the precious silence and prayer. I then enter into giving thanks in the moment. I unearth my gratitude journal, as it’s been far too long since my last entry. I take the cure. The fear ebbs along its way and God comforts me with safety once again.

Strange how we can forget how raw we as people really can be and how we need one another- how very connected our lives really are and God intended it to be that way.

The heart slows. Whispered prayer reminds me we are never left alone, not even in fear or loss. John Woolman evidently had a thing going for it as well when he wrote:

“….I saw this habitation, the place of prayer, to be safe, to be inwardly quiet when there were great stirring and commotions in the world.”

Silly, this careening back or tumbling ahead of time we are given. It is fear’s best friend. Some how slowing in prayer and giving thanks keeps me in the one glorious moment I might otherwise miss with the great I Am. I find myself in awe that Jesus cleanses all the inner places and extends his love to all, and I think that when we break each other and ourselves, how we must break Jesus. I am freed by the Truth that comes in that still quiet voice, to remind me that Jesus so loved the broken, and that each of our identities are unique and loved. I am working on remembering that includes me.

I’ve done my share of breaking at times and so I quickly add “Grace” to my journal, as I lean into this humanness, and try again a bit more gently to move into the new day with kisses and hugs for the helpers around me. I remember the Divine’s grace is in all people and lives on in the ones that I love.

“Be strong and of good courage; Be not afraid..” Joshua 1:9

30 Things About My Invisible Illness You May Not Know

2010-09-12T18:20:00.005-04:00

1. The illness I live with is: Fibromyalgia, Sjogren’s Autoimmune Disease, a few others (boring!)
2. I was diagnosed in: 1999 and 1007, respectively
3. I had symptoms since: 1985
4. The biggest adjustment I’ve had to make is: focusing on basic daily needs at home
5. Most people assume: Being dry is no big deal if you sip water
6. The hardest part of mornings are: Trying to slowly and safely open my eyes
7. My favorite medical TV show is: No TV, movies and old dvd's only
8. A gadget I could not live without: The reassurance of having my epinephrine needle handy though I haven’t used it yet
9. The hardest part about nights are: Having to do a lengthy routine when I'm so tired-I make it worse as I am a night owl
10. Each day I take__ pills: (no comments please) 7 pills, 6 meds for eyes
11. Regarding alternative treatments I have tried: Acupuncture, chiropractic, yoga, relaxation techniques, massage, countless supplements, naturopathic doctor. None really helped and most supplements hurt due to salicylate sensitivity
12. If I had to choose between an invisible illness or visible one I would choose: Very hard. I might choose visible if I could talk and see as freely as before
13. Regarding working and career: I would love to be able to work to help support my family, but my health does not allow. I am thrilled to now be able to take care of the basics at home again and help facilitate my daughter’s learning
14. People would be surprised to know: Some days I cannot drive due to eye pain and I have 50% esophageal functioning
15. The hardest thing to accept about my new reality has been: Constantly disappointing people because I cannot participate in all the activities I once did before
16. Something I never thought I could do with my illness that I did was: Return to school by Distance Learning
17. The commercials about my illness: Fibro-for drugs possibly/ Sjogren’s- none?
18. Something I really miss doing since diagnosed: cross-stitching, being carefree outdoors in the wind and sun
19. It was really hard to give up: most normal foods due to allergic reactions
20. A new hobby I have taken up since I was diagnosed is: carting miniature horses, raising rabbits and writing
21. If I could have one day of feeling normal again: I would hope to be able to attend my children’s graduations/weddings
22. My illness has taught me: To be more patient and tolerate others who I do not understand
23. Want to know a secret? One thing that people say that gets under my skin is: You look great!
24. But I love it when: People do not pressure me socially and recall not to wear fragrance near me, especially in my home where it lingers and I react for days to come
25. My favorite scripture that gets me through hard times is: Psalm 46:1 "God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble."....I've found him faithful
26. When someone is diagnosed, I’d like to tell them: It is time for ‘Plan B’ and God is good and will give one. Find an inner circle of trust-worthy friends, look for the Grace and life will go on.
27. Something that has surprised me about living with an illness is: The smallest things mean the most now. Life is still beautiful, the sky is bluer and loving is more passionate
28. The nicest thing someone did for me when I wasn’t feeling well was: believed me
29. I’m involved with Invisible Illness Week because: I want to help raise awareness and support others
30. The fact that you read this list makes me feel: Really grateful that you took the time to read and hopeful you will believe those whose illness is invisible. It saves lives.

Wednesday Photos

2010-09-08T15:44:00.011-04:00

Here are some photos of how we spent the last week of our summer vacation at home...lots of good old free activity within our own area. I ended up having some Pre-Class assignments to do and needed to rest, but got in on some of the action. We visited an art museum in the area and took the girls to the Safari Park at Great Adventure-no rides, mind you. (What parents!) We were also blessed with complimentary tickets to a 5 stage outdoor concert not too far away with many Christian musicians. Amongst my favorite and most talented in my opinion, was Phil Keaggy. I did the math and realized my first concert seeing him was 32 years ago, so fair to say, I am getting old while he seems to simply be getting more adorable. We ended our week with a spontaneous bonfire. Hubby just hauled huge slate rocks in a circle and dug our own fire pit in the yard. Probably just another one of those situations where we were in need of another 'permit' this summer.......God provided much grace for me to do a few things that I normally would not always be able to participate in. As our girls would say 'Way Cool."

Growing Dreams

2010-09-06T13:26:00.003-04:00

I’ve been living life in basic survival mode for a long time now. Life easily becomes about making it through the day. At times, taking care of a chronic illness and attending to family needs and expectations causes my cup to be quite full. That is when I am reminded to take life as a book and read at my own leisure as well, that balance is good, and so is time to explore a few dreams left living.

In this book of life, there are some chapters that I am a bit afraid to live and can only do it through Grace. I’ve made mistakes, I’ve set goals and dreams and watched them burn. I’m thankful that God always has my best interest in mind, that all from his hand is good. Though, considering new goals takes courage and at this point, a realistic consideration of abilities. Since the new year, I have felt a nudge, this gentle push to move me into action. Some thing more the than monotonous pass go and do not collect two hundred dollars as in a monopoly game.

So, I have prayed and listened and I’ve listened some more. I’ve mostly watched where God has already planted my own two feet the past few years. And I’ve spent a little time wondering where the next stroke on the canvas of my life will lead. I know now that it will not be even remotely what I had planned. I am taken back that God is again faithful to make his vision my own.

God has spoken to me through people, and through his scriptures and also significantly through the reading of Oswald Chamber’s writings this year. I’ve been reminded that God often can use the weak and I like what Chambers has to say:

“What is my vision of God’s purpose for me? Whatever it may be, His purpose is to depend on him and on his power now. If I can stay calm, faithful, and unconfused while in the middle of the turmoil of life, the goal of the purpose of God is being accomplished in me. God is not working toward a particular finish-his purpose is the process itself......It is the process, not the outcome, that is glorifying to God.”

I like that quote as it has played a role in getting me ‘unstuck’. I now feel I can set a goal and not be all consumed with whether or not I will be able to complete it. I haven’t told many people as possibly some times in a life book, we fear the words themselves, finally written or even whispered a loud, may cause one to miscarry the growing dream. But I have to share it now, as my time and priorities will all need adjusting and I will not be nearly as visible around the internet as I have been. This blog may go quiet again for a long while until I adjust.

This week I am starting back to home educating my daughters, but am also beginning a two year Spiritual Formation and Direction Program for myself. As life would have it, I’ve paused and leaned long on this leading. I’ve had several affirm my simple desire to use it to continue befriending and companioning the chronically ill and hurting people that come into my life, and gain a little more experience to do so. I am only committing to one semester at a time and will determine the practicum and completion, depending on my own health. I think I will enjoy it a day at a time this way. God has been faithful to steady me and remind me that any eventual outcome or none at all is just fine. It’s the moments, the days and the experience that counts.

At times I even feel a bit selfish in all of this, as I have enjoyed preparing for this: planning, purchasing and beginning to read the books with the excitement of a little child. Even more so, is that I have grown to love relating to others who are ill. They are fun, creative and courageous people, which makes no sense for people in pain, but I’ve found it true and as it turns out, loving is good for our souls. My loving and giving in the smallest of ways helps me. It’s really as simple as that. I want to be a friend, a companion, that equally encourages another’s life and spiritual journey and I’m done running from this seed of a thought that was planted in me long, long ago which I feared.

God comforts me through Oswald Chambers words, “His training is for now, not later. His purpose is in this moment, not way down the road in the future.” So, I am fixing my eyes on God, rather than if I can meet the ultimate goal. I will attempt to be mindful to live each day, and we will all learn together side by side- each moment, in attempt to be obedient to our Guide. I will give this a try. There, I said it and wrote it.

See I am doing a new thing.
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the desert
And streams in the wasteland.
Isa 43:19

Wednesday Photos

2010-08-18T17:19:00.007-04:00

Oh How the Years Go By!

Summer Slipping Away

2010-08-16T21:14:00.011-04:00

I’ve been watching them. Watching the girls grow what seems like inches this summer out my window as they meander along, care for their animals and swim. Son is now towering over me and I don’t know his schedule day to day and this has become the norm here.

It is a different experience to slip under that water with children 4 years older also. I have been able to swim this season with the purchase of a new salt water pool, without chemicals so it has been a pleasure once again to take the plunge with them. Then, all of us have been delighted to learn that our new puppy, just 8 months old, is an excellent swimmer as he skims the surface and beats me to the water balls.

The past 3 years, my son has vacationed independently. I am getting used to this. I did the same about his age I recall, as I watch him venture out of the lane, destination beach house. Other times to my in-law’s cabin in the Adirondacks, where love first made my own heart flip and memories for me come flooding back. It is amazing to me that he is now about that age I was then. Time does not stand still!

Next summer they will be even taller. I’m ever so aware that calendar will turn soon and so will the leaves.

I wonder, really, how many summers I will have left to cherish like this.......? Soon my youngest and I will share our fall birthday month, but I will be 47, while she will be just 11. I think to myself, twenty would be a miracle, ten maybe, and then possibly none? I swallow hard on that one, but how it makes me savor the day.

Lately, I have been visualizing a calming picture of walking hand in hand with God through each day. That is what it feels like when I am trusting him. Some days, I am strong, moving confidently side by side on the trail. Other days, I feel God’s hand gripping me tighter in my weakness, helping me up, guiding me and teaching me to stand firmer and trust him deeper as I make my way forward onto more arduous steps.

How blessed I am to look back down the path and see it strewn with God’s provision and faithfulness.

It will be time to pack away the pool in a few short weeks. I will be left to swim in box upon box of the girl’s warmer clothing to fill their dresser drawers for cooler days ahead. Their vacationing will come to a sudden stop as the cabin and shore house will close to the routines of autumn. I’d like to think I’ve learned more this season of the blessings of solitude, rather than viewing at times what in the past has felt a bit like loneliness. There is a enormous difference, I am learning.

I’m getting prepared. I do love autumn, and so I soon will be ready to catch the new season and gather leaves together- ready to make each moment count.

Oh give thanks to the Lord; for he is good: for his mercy endureth forever. Ps. 136:1

Friends Meeting Friends

2010-08-09T21:06:00.007-04:00

Some of my most favorite people live inside my computer. There, I said it and it is true. Some days, I think how wonderful it would be to gather them all up to be my neighbors. Yet I know, God has set me in this place for a purpose and them in theirs and so I must enjoy these friendships for what they are and be content. I cherish the connectedness and find it is another area in which God has blessed my some times small life here.

I’m amazed with God’s creativity and surprises. From faithful and frequent notes in my e mail box, blogging friends and to precious people in online studies like the ones here. I’ve had several people offer help with my allergic food elimination diet when I’ve been at my wits end and give loving advice for treating my daughter’s Lyme disease. I have even come to know my family history more since the new year, from a online friend who freely offered to do my family genealogy 'just for fun’. There are some I’ve come to love as family and learned that one can choose them if you need to. And as Friends, there are some that have gone quiet for a while, but the connection we’ve shared remains valuable in the silent times even. After all, us Friends are good at silence...

Perhaps the most significant change this little screen has given me is the opportunity to exchange conversation on faith and to be where ‘two or three have gathered’. This has occurred for me in various forums and in online worship. Never did I really plan or expect to meet anyone face to face, but God had other ideas, as always, and much bigger than mine. Last year my family was afforded the opportunity to travel to Pennsylvania and experience a conservative Friends meeting. This was a good opportunity to grasp in physical life the broader scope of Friends on the internet with some like-minded faith. It was a gathered meeting and unapologetic in it’s sharing of scripture as vocal ministry. Then this past month I had a request to meet up at my meeting, Buckingham Friends, here with a recent internet contact. This came as a sudden surprise and how fun it was to meet and raise our voices together in song! (Yes, that’s right-my unprogrammed meeting here does have a hymn sing for 15 minutes prior to our expectant silent time.) Then, the highlight of our summer thus far has been for our family to meet a Friend and his family from the Netherlands who was vacationing on the East Coast of the US who we share a much longer history together.

Wim N. and I met online about three years ago when at that time, I had completely stopped attending any worship out of my home due to illness. When The Online Meeting for Worship shut down suddenly, we relied on a few e mail addresses we had along with other vital and instrumental Friends that formed Quaker Faith and Fellowship so we could continue on with our small group fellowship. Since then, the forum has slowly and steadily gained an international membership of 131 members and has a core group of committed members from various faiths and branches of Friends that worship together weekly. It has turned into an e-community, and has combined efforts with others to worship once again. As each member came and initiated taking on different roles, the contributions added up to where we all are today, all sharing this special place together where all are valued as equal and welcome. Kind reader, you are welcome to follow the link to QF&F, but encouraged if you do so to take the time to register, which is very simple, as then one is able to see a much larger forum than what is available to see to the general public, including blogs and the way we are slowly making more community planning decisions as Friends. Included there, also, is a much more in-depth history of our website.

So, for my husband Dave and I, meeting Wim for the first time at the train station here was like watching him walk out of our computer. After what has seemed like miles of correspondence over the net, I cannot fully put into words the happiness and memories that it has given me to meet in physical life after all this time and share a weekend together and to worship at the Arch Street Meeting House in Philadelphia. We discussed that we consider our internet lives to be ‘real’ as we connect with others and share in that which is eternal, but agreed that to get to meet in person is very special and I’m humbled he would give up vacation time and allow me to meet him and his beautiful family. Our family was blessed and hopes that many more physical meetings will occur from our ever-evolving community as well as other ones on the internet. The world seems enormous to me at times. However, every so often God graces me with opportunities to see that while it is large and we are all so different, we have much in common and the world of Friends meeting Friends is not so impossible.

Believing in Love

2010-07-20T11:22:00.008-04:00

It was perfect, with a charming stone front, nestled in a wooded area with spacious rooms to spread out in, and even a bright airy room to claim as a school room. But the sudden phone call revealed that we had lost it, that hopeful bid in which I had prayed would be our next home.

We were meanderers moving frequently, never getting too attached to a place we’d call home, rather to each other. This time, our search was finally in the country and we were both old enough to be weary of the walk and determined this would be our last move. Our price range was so narrow, for me it was time to call off the search party. Not so with Tired Husband. He’s never given up easily on my dreams.

Step far back into our story and we were young love, barely grown up. I was just coming out of a slight slip off the straight and narrow that had previously been my life. Draw me a line and I’d cross it, roll me a rule over and I’d break it. But this guy- he was fun and he was a rock at the same time. He came from a family that was still together, that lived in the same home- on the same street- all his life. Go figure. That was not my experience. I was more than interested in the package deal, after all, he’d become my best friend.

It was a young love determined to last. However, I was cautioned to ‘let it go’ as young love is often too weak to last. The past kept whispering in my ear of all the insurmountable odds I’d been acquainted with all too well, but love is bold; it doesn’t stand still too long, calculating the risk. So, I slipped on the gold promise while far from home and we decided it best to return home for the wedding, and have our two ministers do the ceremony, one from the Midwest where we were living and one from back East, our family’s home. Yes, two, I was going for the guarantee!

I can still hear the clergy’s door closing behind me, leaving me alone with one of the ministers for premarital counseling and did I have any questions? Slightly shy at this point and with a quivering lip I managed to stammer out the all important one.

How does one make it last forever, a marriage, that is?

I got a bit lost in the long speech, but I still recall the words today: to keep the promise before God, believe in each other and let the words and the true promise of the cross empower you. I can close my eyes today and still see that wood cross at the front of the dear church we attended together at that time. And so, we followed just that and the years of practice led us to this place once again, searching for our final home, the one where we’d put our hands, feet and mark on the land and in the dirt for good.

So, excitedly Husband pushes the realtor print-out next to me on the table, of the last home left in our price range in the beloved area, but the address read ‘Goat Hill Road’. I quickly assured him I’d never live on a road with that name! But love believes and so agrees to schedule a visit to see what was apparently an old one bedroom cabin with an addition built on it.

Peering out the car window, it was obvious this home was completely over grown needing love. Driving up the long lane, one glance across the yard revealed one special tree, in what appeared to be in a tiny grove of ancient unkept fruit trees. Toward the base of it’s trunk, it had a hollow, distinctly formed in the shape of a heart. My heart flipped. It was precious as was the home, which was a blend of the old rustic cabin and a new contemporary angle-lined main part. I loved the distressed wood floors in the old portion and its plainness, which was slightly crooked compared to the new! There was beauty in it’s imperfections and it had land...more open land and that tree. The one that sealed the deal. The one that we were told to cut down as is was weakened by the hollow at the base and all the woodpecker holes in it, just destined to die.

I don't take down trees easily, no not at all.

We won the bid on that house and are going on eight years here today, but more importantly I am humbled to say, twenty-five years of marriage this month. The tree still stands. What some times looks dead just may be dormant and be about to bloom and bear fruit. That is, if we have a faith that does not die as it’s roots are firmly in Christ.

We have kept the tree, believed in one another and our promises together in the reality of the Love that was shaped in the wood.

.......The Lord will guide you always;
he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land
and will strengthen your frame.
You will be like a well-watered garden.
Isa 58

Weekends are for Sauntering

2010-07-10T18:03:00.006-04:00

Our weeks have been packed with things unplanned and things complicated. Regardless, in the midst of appointments, teeth extractions for little ones, a bad case of Lyme disease that persists and a pool that has not yet passed it's permit we pause.....

We pause for family time. To remember to rest in the routine and to take a break to listen, worship and renew. These memories get tucked away in my mind.

"It is a great art to saunter." ~ Henry David Thoreau

May all your weekend wanderings be blessed.....

Jan Lyn

What I Can Say Now

2010-06-27T21:47:00.005-04:00

Now, approximately 2 years after being diagnosed with autoimmune disease I know it is okay to feel scared at times, to question if I am taking the right medications and to wonder about the future. God is already there.

I can say I know how emotions and self-doubt can get the best of you. I’ve learned how faith is stronger.

I now know for every ignorant comment someone will make, five other people will see me beyond my illness. When there are those who don’t understand my limitations, God will also bring me others who are willing to journey along with realistic expectations.

I can say I now know that love and hugs may come from the most unexpected places, when others walk away. And that I know when my heart breaks, God will mend it and that some times letting go is the only way to hold on.

I now know that some of the most genuine and compassionate people are fellow sufferers and that the internet has opened up my world a bit larger. I can tell you that the love of God and the love for one another flows freely at Living Whole with Chronic Pain and the support there has changed my life.

I want to say that all I want to be isn't, but I know that God still is.

I’ve learned doctors don’t always know everything and at times it’s best to stay home and trust my own instinct. I’ve learned the answers to life are not found in the ER.

So what happens when you get a chronic illness diagnosis?

Life will never be the same. It will be unpredictable and you must look for peace within. Some days you will become unglued. But I can tell you there will be strength and grace when you never thought you’d have it. You will fine tune your faith as you are given opportunities to believe. You will learn to love and cherish the smallest of things. You will indeed go on and find that God has many gifts to offer in the midst of it all. Then in some mysterious way, I believe it is an opportunity for a deeper relationship with the Spirit and for good. Right now we catch only mere glimpses of it in the moon’s reflected light but some day we will see more clearly.

Just Sharing....

2010-05-22T16:07:00.005-04:00

Kind Readers,

I have been reading some books lately on the topics of listening and trust which are becoming more and more a concern of mine. One book that has been insightful is The Sacred Art of Listening, by Kay Lindahl. It is a good read on the importance of listening openly to others and God. I can't say enough about this simple book that I read in 2 evenings, which says something due to my eye strain! I loved it. (It is not of any particular denomination or group.) Today there seems to be a temptation to form most communication, not just by our young people, but adults as well through texting, twitter, etc. Not enough....

I thought I would also share this short but meaningful poem and queries that followed that were a good guide to me as I revisited Practicing Peace's trust chapter one evening in thought that might be of use to someone:

There is no going back.
We are a pilgrim people
who must take to the road again,
learning as we go to sing a new song
and to trust the God
who is always bringing new things to birth. Jo Farrow

Queries:
Do I make understanding God a prerequisite for trusting God?

What helps me trust others, knowing that trust offers no guarantees or safety?

What criteria or process do I use to assess whether I am too trusting or not trusting enough?

In Friendship and Light,

Jan Lyn

The Knowing Place

2010-05-12T18:07:00.002-04:00

It all began far back on a hill in a field about an acre from my first childhood home. Back then, it was an enchanted place for us kids and we called it 'Indian Hill', which would not be socially acceptable today. Back then life was simpler. I didn’t know it at the time, but I believe this special place to be the birthing of My Knowing Place.

I had to walk an acre or so and cross a crystal clear, bubbling brook. It was worth the walk in my creek sneakers, as mother called them back then. I’d walk the creek and all over the field and finally make my way up the hill. Up top of that hill was just out of earshot of the voices raging out of the open windows in the summer breeze. Even now if I sit still enough with my eyes shut, I can imagine being back there, watching an ant dancing on a blade of grass, crickets jumping and billowy white clouds slowly passing by. Tucked in amongst it all and the encircling trees was all that was good, safe and true. It was there, I really met with the God of church from Sunday morning and discovered that God could be the God of my every day.

Like a baby blue jay, I was just getting up the courage to fly. Before one does that they must be prepared, observe the world around them, determine the risk and decide where to place their trust. Pinching and sipping on honeysuckle there, I found that place in nature and deep inside of me. It was the place that I could turn off the voices, the noise, the expectations and my deep seeded need to make everything alright. There, I could be myself with abandon and confidence in Christ. Returning again and again, I had found the secret place of the Most High where I sensed God move and speak and a place where he was making me. Other times my sister and sister-cousin would just run and play there completely carefree.

Through the years, I realized that The Knowing Place could be taken with me anywhere I needed it, though beautiful, the priority there was not nature, but all Things Unseen. I found my abiding place with Christ to be true and when I wandered, it remained there for me whenever I needed it, in fact it came along with me. Through difficulties, rebellion and the winds of change and loss it held strong.

Some times we lose things and people before we are done needing them.

My Knowing Place was where I sensed Christ inviting me to spend more time in. Through the years, the Spirit was calling my spirit to know that the more I accepted this offer to abide, the more my cup gently overflowed with real Love and Peace. Some where along the way, I didn’t need that hill or a particular location, but rather the interior place that dwells with God, sanctified and where all is transformed into beauty there, even the ugly. This place-this relationship came along me everywhere I joyfully traveled, lived and grew so that I was never alone. I found this went beyond my relationships on earth, but at times am given circumstances that challenge me to live up to that.

One day, my world shrunk, which actually forced me to enlarge it again and found me in places that I could not normally let me go. Small places, in rooms with arguments, rooms with doors shut tight, elevators, hospitals and very entrapped medical test facilities. I often am reminded of the children’s story Country Mouse, City Mouse, as I frequently make my way to the city now for medical care. I still find comfort in out-stretched open land. Now I smile inside though, as any where I am or have to go or will ever be, I now find my source of living and trust to be in this God Space itself and these days I do not wish to wander from the holy of holies but abide daily, minute by minute in this place of assurance with solid ground. Most days, I can now go where he leads which is my heart’s desire-to fly like that baby bird.

Every so often my mind wanders back to that land and merciful hill. I hold those memories dear. The house and farmland are changed now and new towering homes that all look the same stretch out far behind. I hear there are no children stomping that land and I assume they are all in daycare and organized camps instead of our lusciously long, imaginative days. I have not passed that way again, since I last walked it with my own little family and a lump in my throat, before my father sold it 6 years ago. I said my final goodbyes. My younger sister of strength and courage has walked along the land that remains to the side of our old home, past the brook and sat once again on that hill. Father mentions driving by it and how it has changed and I nod and ah ha. I make my way far around it when in the area, as to never look back. I find it easier to keep my well chosen memories and put my faith and trust now in Christ alone. I have my own house that comes undone at times now. So my aim is to be more like Jesus, and less like me now and to spend every day in My Knowing Place, trusting and living every breath and heartbeat there as best I can.

He that dwelleth in the secret place of the most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty. Psalm 91:1

Oh Right, I Have a Blog

2010-05-10T21:27:00.003-04:00

I thought I’d have a short ramble about my blog. Honestly, what it has become is far off from my initial intent. I simply wanted a place to write about life a bit-topics near to my heart like all things Quaker, home school, nature and good old honest transparency about chronic illness and faith. I wanted to share peaceful photos for my family. I even thought eventually that I’d offer some speech articulation downloads for free to home schoolers and then push myself to write that Charlotte Mason style Speech and Language book I’ve thought about for years. Sounded reasonable, but life keeps getting in the way.

I remind myself that the internet world is secondary to real life and that some months I may post once and other months more frequently and I need to be ok with that. For a while there, I felt I’d write more Quaker posts as I was feeling the need to respond to other conversations else where and explore my own. But I am not totally taken in by this Quaker blog-o-sphere thing. It gets very heavy and a day or so will go by where I actually miss my own experience of connecting with God due to reading and thinking about Quaker issues. Not good..... So, I don’t think I am a Quaker blogger, but a blogger who happens to consider herself Quaker and not an intellectual one at that! The truth is some days when I am feeling up to it, I want to be a big kid, lay on the floor and play with my kids and get giddy or go outdoors and get good and dirty in nature rather than all that. Then when night falls I want to enjoy watching the stars and moon out my window here and listen to music.

Regardless, I may keep writing as it is a good outlet now that I can’t talk as much as I’d like. So, the rough draft to volume one I attempted of my book is scattered across my bedroom floor. I just got done using it with my youngest daughter. It is seasonal, so if I had a fire lit under me, I’d now be on volume two which would focus its story around the next season. Needless to say, I’m lethargic. The thought of it makes me weak. Really. God just may intend that I leave that chapter of my life (my career) behind for good. I think I am ok with that now.

I’ve felt a strong leading for a few months now to spend more time on our home school and family life and not so much being plugged into the computer, but I do not want to totally give up blogging and I’ll tell you why. I had no idea how it would widen my world. I had no clue that I’d actually have even one reader. I enjoy the friendships that I’ve made and they’ve come as a surprise to me. I look forward to reading each of your blogs when I see a new one displayed on my page here. I love hearing about your lives. So, if you will bear with me, I will continue writing when I can and my range of topics will be unpredictable, like my life here these days. I will try to remember, however, that I still have a blog.

Sure Signs of Spring

2010-04-10T23:27:00.004-04:00

I admit it. I am not quite ready to return to blogging yet, but when I look here to get to friends blogs that are linked with more ease, I'm finding the snowy photos all wrong as there are sure signs of spring all around me. Here are some I thought I would share in the mean time. I wish peace and blessings of the season to all of you-here is my first white trillium.

Each day in a new and living way the brooding Spirit of God teaches us. As we begin to follow these nudgings of the Spirit, we are changed from the inside out.~Richard Foster

Lord, do your spring cleaning in me from the inside out...Amen.

Winter and the Seasons of Life

2010-02-11T16:42:00.007-05:00

Kind readers, here are some photos of my world right now. It is definately winter on the East Coast. All around me are glimpses of God's presence in his creation and I am forever in awe of it all and ever grateful to take it all in.

I am reminded that just as there are seasons in nature, there are seasons in life where I need to slow down. I need to return to what is needed, as Jesus told Martha. (Luke 10:40) I am in need of simplifying my life here at home, much rest and to just keep my priorities straight. I want to be still and just be known by God and know God. So, I am setting my blog aside for a time-just a season-and will return again.

When the presence

of the Lord

really becomes your

experience, you will

actually discover that,

you have gradually begun to love this silence

and peaceful rest which comes with

His presence.

~Madame Guyon

Wordless Wednesday

2010-01-27T12:25:00.002-05:00

Here is the reason I may indeed, need to go wordless for a while!

For the Birds....again

2010-01-24T18:29:00.006-05:00

Continuing on in our unit on birds, we made this very simple recycled bird feeder out of a soda bottle. It has only been up for a week or so now and we’ve had to fill it numerous times and it seems to attract even more birds than the large, expensive gazebo one we purchased a few years back. I like this as it attracts the smallest of the birds and I can see it from my chair.

For as long as I can recall, I have had a fascination with birds. They are such a joy to watch and to listen to in the thicket while I take my late afternoon walks. Birds also are a tangible reminder to me that God cares for them and will certainly take care of me. I’ve had that strong thought come to me at various times in life–when I was laid off my first good teaching position, when I first was diagnosed with fibromyalgia, and when that weird stomach virus just would not go away and turned out to be a pregnancy...you get the point. I find them comforting and reassuring when my emotions are ready to take flight. They are chirping little characters that remind me of God’s presence and provision.

This February 12-15 marks the 12th annual Great Backyard Bird Count in North America. It is organized by the Cornell Lab of Ornithology and invites anyone who has interest in birds, old and young, to celebrate and collect data in their particular area. They have great lesson plans, print outs and information on their site to assist in this and only ask in return that you input your data on types of birds and vital numbers counted in the location you live in. It will be our 7th year of participating and is a good way to brush up on bird identification skills. I feel we were much more accurate when my son participated with us, but us girls are preparing with anticipation. It becomes a bright spot during these bleaker days of winter.

"Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds!"

Luke 12:24 NIV

Homeschooling is not for Cowards

2010-01-16T16:42:00.006-05:00

This week we dissected an owl pellet. I don’t advise this before lunch. Heavens no. It would have been much better first thing in the morning or late in the day. Regardless, it was one fascinating project once the initial shock of dividing the bones from the fur wore off. The girls loved it and were able to identify the bones of a mole and mouse as the delicate fare the owl had before the big event.

Gone are the days we sat and cuddled on the couch simply studying and talking about owls and reading one of my favorite winter books Owl Moon, by Jane Yolen.

The girls want more hands on activities. So we created our own curriculum for science this year as we all feel that we want to experience and fulfill certain final urges before we step into the highschool lab scene in our household once again. I chose the topical units to be covered and the girls determined all the projects and experiments. Here, without further ado, is a glimpse of the dissection.

Regardless of all this, I still have my well-loved copy of Owl Moon and have read those comforting and familiar words again, if even to myself:

....When you go owling
you don’t need words
or warm
or anything but hope.
That’s what Pa says.
The kind of hope
that flies
on silent wings
under a shining
Owl Moon.

Wordless Wednesday

2010-01-13T17:02:00.005-05:00

We were blessed to be able to celebrate my mother's 70th birthday this week with my 92 year old Grandma present. Four generations of women in our family are represented in these photos...lots of love.

Love has it's source in God, for love is the very essence of his being. ~~Kay Arthur

Just One Friend and Prayer

2010-01-02T17:10:00.004-05:00

Quakers are individualists, so it is no surprise to find wide views on the topic of prayer or ‘holding in the Light’. I tend to see all of life as a prayer. I have not achieved such, but believe in the practice of ceaseless prayer. I envision it as a link to God. Lovers talk; it is how we connect and get to know one another intimately and it is possibly the closest space to God we can get to in the present. I use the terms interchangeably and I like the phrase to ‘hold in the Light’, as it reminds me that it is more about abiding rather than a list of requests to check off at day’s end.

I never learned rote prayers as a child. I approach prayer with awe and respect, but much as a child in natural conversation as I go about my day uttering whenever I am led. I often find myself praying for others, for an issue, or asking God what is up with a certain situation, what direction I should take or if I am being released from something. I pray for forgiveness and many times, I am just silent. It is then I feel God reaching out and initiating to me more. I am grateful for that form of prayer, knowing I may rest in it and I am covered.

Because I believe in an open universe view, I feel we can co-labor with God. He holds his plans and purpose, but in some mystical way I know that it is possible for him to change them through that of God within us. I don’t feel that is a ticket to peppering God with requests or bargaining, but rather another avenue to discern and align myself with him. It’s not all about wishes, dreams or winning a prize, but a process of transformation. My thoughts on this evolved through years of physical challenges that started in my early adulthood and while getting to know others with chronic illness and pain.

John Woolman said, “The place of prayer is a precious habitation...” I often wonder why prayer is so infrequently discussed and consistently lacking as part of a meeting for worship. No, it usually will not bring back a baby, stop a friend from dying, mend a family or cure a disease–though it could. Possibly, it could do more, like cure my rotten heart attitude, comfort, or heal in another unexpected manner.

I recall as a teen asking my youth group leader why my best friend could not be healed and had to die. He told me, God did heal her but it was just not how I wanted. I’ve taken that with me throughout life and believe while I cannot see all the purposes in that, I have been the recipient of good and a life road map from her–a way of living unto dying. What once was broken in me is a mended treasure wrought from years of prayer and memories from that experience.

Something in me about prayer opened up wide about four years ago. I wrestled for pain relief, amongst other serious items for myself and others. I came to the conclusion that although God loves me, he is not as interested in my physical well being as he is in my soul. During those first few years I learned about yielding to his path rather than grasping for my own or what I perceived others to need. I often feel that God heals on different levels, in his own time and often to our surprise. Back then, some of my experience was painful, but when I revisit it now I can behold the beauty and the way I was never forsaken. I’ve learned that holding others and myself in the Light is a process of God initiating a change in me and my desires more than anything else. God does not need my suffering to act, but if I remain open, I may know more of him. It is an honor Friends have to commune in this miraculous space, and a humble privilege to whisper prayers on behalf of others that are placed before me by the Spirit.

This practice of being a Friend has reinforced to me the importance of moving slower as led. It has also helped explain to me why I’ve been uncomfortable being on large prayer lists of people who I do not know. At one point, when I was very fragile, I had literally hundreds of people praying for me, many groups who did not know me. When no answers were seemingly in sight, I longed to rest in that and accept that as my answer. I needed it to stop. Not many people understood. At silent times I tend to recall the times in which I’ve felt closest to God and find comfort in knowing he remains the same. I also began to sense that if I did not feel the connection of those praying, or I did not feel the prayers were paralleling God’s will at the time, they were futile. I could be mistaken, but they felt more than futile, they were unsettling to me and possibly disobedient for me personally, though a comfort to others. I fervently believe in prayer, but often times it becomes a very personal item to me as I’m sure it is to others. I was then shown my need to learn to respect other people more.

Likewise, when I became strong enough to volunteer in the chronic illness ministry, I was overwhelmed with the sheer number of encouragement and prayer requests. I was quickly given good advice to take on those cases that which I felt empathy for. Jesus himself often was moved by compassion and said to come like children to a father. I learned to distinguish amongst them what was my concern or what I call my “inner yes.” If I sensed a certain dread, I set that case aside in trust that it was for someone else. Most of these people are not asking a way out of their problems or diseases, but rather seeking a touch from others, God’s presence and the grace to endure. The most life-changing thing I’ve learned from these dear ones is that prayer puts pain in it’s place, which is not before the priorities of God. I’ve watched healing of the heart occur, bitterness melt away and hope be born of suffering. I’ve touched spirit to spirit with some of the most courageous souls and together we have learned that prayer is a means of connection and ability to come into an awareness of the Divine Presence working in us and through us. I have so far to go. They continue to teach me, and I find that prayer is no longer like that of a chore from childhood, but an invitation. It is alive, moving and breathing communication that is summed up in Thomas R. Kelly’s words that are left for us:

“How then should we lay hold of that Life and Power, and live the life of prayer without ceasing? By quiet, persistent practice in turning of all our being, day and night, in prayer and inward worship and surrender, toward the One, who calls in the deeps of our souls...Begin now, as you read these words, as you sit in your chair, to offer your whole selves, utterly and in joyful abandon, in quiet, glad surrender to the One who is within...Walk and talk and work and laugh with your friends. But behind the scenes keep up the life of simple prayer and inward worship. Keep it up throughout the day. Let inward prayer be your last act before you fall asleep and the first act when you awake.”

December Thankfulness of the Heart

2009-12-16T22:10:00.022-05:00

"Life without thankfulness is devoid of love and passion. Hope without thankfulness is lacking in fine perception. Faith without thankfulness lacks strength and fortitude. Every virtue divorced from thankfulness is maimed and limps along the spiritual road." ~John Henry Jowett

How I miss the mark and limp some Decembers. The upheaval in the calendar is a challenge to me, but I want to walk the best I can and not put a damper on everyone else's time. I long to cherish Christmas oh so quietly in my heart all year long. But my children with their twinkling eyes and joy of expectancy remind me that the 25th is one of those days as well. And so it is, and I join in and continue the count if you will put up with me again. My prayer is that the holiday is more in the heart and in the being, rather than all the doing; that it's about love and this awesome Jesus of my every day.

Gratitude swells up in my heart for:

healthy children in the winter

daughters who help make cookies

star gazing

silence

buds ready to bloom

people of prayer

candles in the evening

making the Centurion laugh at the live nativity

the mitten tree near the stove

holly and evergreens

love, light and life

Jesus come as baby to this earth....

"Thanks be to God for this unspeakable gift." 2 Cor 9:15

Love Letters

2009-12-09T21:24:00.005-05:00

I’d know her handwriting anywhere. There sprawled across the floor in front of me is a pile of my late Great-Grandmother’s letters that fell out of my old Bible. She had made her life speak to her loved ones from the arm of her favorite chair in her last years. One by one, I picked up the pretty pastel bits of love and memories. Her writing, the ink and all look like no time has slipped away, but it’s been a good couple of decades. She never knew my husband or met my children but her words live on.

She spoke in scriptures, poems, in quotes and in prayers. Leafing through them the thought crossed my mind that just maybe I didn’t get my love affair with reading words from university professors, but this elderly women without a day of higher education. The last time I saw her was when I parted for my junior year of university across the states to the mid-west, far away from the family nest. Reading the letters and poetry now, it’s clear to me that a degree could never take the place of this kind of wisdom and deep love of family. While she may have sporadically attended a house of worship, she whole-heartedly attended to the Holy Spirit inside her. She was clearly one of the Christ-followers.

And she didn’t just send letters, she decorated them with color, stickers and her great big God love. There were flowers, butterflies, all things nature and hearts. Picking one off the floor, I turn it over and read my way around the pink heart the words "Absence makes the heart grow fonder."

Isn’t that the truth.

She was a farmer’s wife and raised seven children. She lived the Great Depression and fed the hungry. Several of her children still live today, in a row of quaint little homes near her old property. It’s a place of nurturing and love and I don’t have to wonder why. I recall what it felt like to be in her home. My Grandmother, who lives next door and still holds my hand during visits today, celebrated her 92nd birthday last month and so I am amazingly blessed.

Upon every visit to Great Grandma’s home, I’d sit by her chair on the floor and we’d chat and inevitably I’d end up getting to pick from her finest patchwork pillows, a new treasure for my bedroom. Before I’d leave she’d have given me the run down on what or where each patch square came from: so and so’s dress, skirt or left over fabric from a blanket or such. What a collection I had-as many pillows as stuffed animals. Next a bag would be filled of special food and goodies from her old wooden pantry out in the kitchen. I some how sensed it was more than food in that bag, but her way of giving love. And then I’d say my goodbyes and wait.

Wait for the mail truck to come to our long country lane. It was then I learned the thrill of writing and receiving letters, what seems like a lost art today. I share these poems, scriptures and words of wisdom with my children now and I take them deep into my heart and recapture the memories of those moments of safety and love. My girls have become letter writers. I some how feel that I’m to continue where she left off given that I’ve now got a favorite chair, a slower pace and a whole lot of loved ones that need to know my love for them.

Preserved Land!

2009-12-02T15:23:00.011-05:00

The girls at Goat Hill Overlook. We are thrilled this nearby property has been recently preserved as open space. It is now part of Washington State Park. George Washington used this hill to make sure the boats on the PA side were hidden well enough so that the British could not see them.

Looking north over the Delaware River. New Hope, PA is on the left and Lambertville, NJ is on the right. Washington and his army crossed the river here at Coryell's Ferry (between New Hope and Lambertville) for the battle of Monmouth in June of 1778.

Washington Rock looking north. Legend has it that this is the rock George Washington used to inspect the PA side of the river to make sure the boats were well hidden. It is a fact that he did this from Goat Hill-a legend that it was from this rock. This was before the famous Christmas crossing for the battle of Trenton. The actual crossing was at McKonkey's Ferry (now Washington Crossing, PA to Titusville, NJ) a few miles to the south.

One washed out photo of husband forgetting about our life insurance and out-dated will and pretending to be George Washington. I made it back home with just minutes to spare for online Meeting for Worship....

I must add, much love to my British friends who may read this!

Really. oxo

Friends That Thirst

2009-11-29T22:37:00.005-05:00

Many people of faith speak about dry or dark times. Even Mother Theresa was found to refer to what was called the "dark night of the soul." I often wonder about these times as Friends where there seems no vocal ministry to be found, no leadings and difficulty discerning abounds. They are the times where we find ourselves waiting and hoping to hear any voice from God.

About three years ago or so now, I found myself desperately seeking any potential sparks of light. I’ve come to believe for myself after experiencing such, that throughout these extended dry times God remains the same and is always with us. That unchanging Spirit is the root we must step back and cling to with patience and devotion. God is love, not a mean God that turns on us, but rather a loving father who often works things mystically in our lives. He uses these times to draw us unto him and to thirst for him until we are experientially one. It felt quite barren at the time though.

I do not believe he intends to burden us further, but to eventually, in his perfect timing give us even greater Light. It is a preparation time of storing up greater strength and deeper knowledge to be used for his kingdom. Isaac Pennington wrote, "There is a time to want as well as a time to abound while we are in this world. And the times of wanting, as well as abounding are greatly advantageous to us."

Perhaps the most difficult to deal with is the feeling of abandonment. It feels like God has definitely gone MIA, missing in action. In reality it is really just a lonely, silent time–a place that is fertile ground to begin to rely less on feelings and more on trust and promises. Isn’t that faith–that we trust even when every single outward reality tells us there is absolutely no reason to. I felt for an entire year that I simply must in the end be obedient and blindly trust God through the darkness. It taught me how to wait. I am still learning to wait, but isn’t that what us Friends do?

None of us truly knows the mind of God, unless the Holy Spirit shows us. This has become a tenet of my faith. I believe the Holy Spirit has come to teach his people today and this is not to say it is an ending but a mere beginning. We must be open to continue to love, trust, obey and wait no matter how long his silences last.

In hindsight, I can see that I was granted protection, and renewed spiritual growth and intimacy that I lacked prior to this time though I have far to go. I can now see some fruits, though at the time I cried out like David did in the Psalms to God to please not hide his face from me. It was a comfort to me to know David complained too and that the Truth was that God hadn’t left him, in fact He said, I will never leave or forsake you repeatedly. I knew objectively that God was with me, but did not feel that mercy that is new every morning or answers to prayers. Certainly Job felt some of this dryness too, yet all the while remaining faithful. I think it’s quite biblical and I think it is important that these times are spoken about so that others can know that the light may dim, but will never ever go out. It’s often through such a time of hardship that one may be given more understanding of that which is Eternal.

"Light arises in the darkness... He is gracious and compassionate and righteous." Psalm 112:4

Wednesday Photo

2009-11-25T10:08:00.003-05:00

It sits on the dusty shelf by our dining table all year long....

May your every day be blessed.

Autumn Blessings

2009-11-18T17:45:00.004-05:00

I pray, I give thanks and count. It’s another day aching in and I pull the covers up for a few more minutes. I don’t know any other way to combat this–the tears and fears that some times accompany chronic illness, that illness that will never ever go away. S-j-o-g-r-e-n-‘s. I actually have to spell it for some of my doctors.

Mornings have been a beast lately. I awake with the relentless pain from the night before and it greets me loudly. My eyes must be ever so delicately opened enough to put in the first drops of the day, a swallow of water washes down the first set of meds through my swollen throat. I burn. My stomach up to my throat, tongue, nose and eyes all burn and seem to over-ride the body pain these days. I wish I did not have to get up so soon.

Some days I wish I didn’t have to continue on.

Mothers aren’t supposed to think this way. Married wives are not to have these thoughts and certainly not the Christ-followers, or do we–are we simply human too?

I pray, wait for eyes to focus a bit and swallow the first words of the day as well. Then I pick up my pen and give thanks for.....

baskets of apples
autumn pictures made by my girls
long brown hair and pig tails
walking the dog at dusk
a listening ear
faithful friends from the past
a secret journal that is not secret from God
the scent of pies a faithful husband has made
the sound of walking through the leaves
family still willing to sit around my table
sheer white curtains
darkness so that I might greater appreciate the light
favorite verses
gentle reminders to live today

I know that God never promised his friends there would be no suffering, but he did speak a lot on fear. The much loved verses come to my mind in the early hours of silence and I cling.

"I sought the Lord and He answered me, and delivered me from all my fears." (Psalm 34:4)

And so I get up and face the gift of a new day and some how the words come alive for me. Young ones are waiting on me for circle and schooling time and they teach me much about how to pray, give thanks and keep counting all the blessings.

"I know that today's discouragement will be replaced by tomorrow's joy."
Isaiah 51:11

Wordless Wednesday

2009-11-11T14:57:00.011-05:00

From the end of the earth I will cry to you. When my heart is overwhelmed; Lead me to the rock that is higher than I.

Psalm 61:2

Photos From "Fleeting Fall" Bowman's Wildflower Preserve

Love and Pain

2009-11-08T18:11:00.006-05:00

" To love at all is to be vunerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxeries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket-safe, dark, motionless, airless–it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable." ~CS Lewis

She is wearing the locket with her memory of her old horse in it. The one she bravely comforted as she waited for the injection to work it’s way. Her days are now spent tending and caring for our two new horses. It’s a splendid sight to see as I peer out the kitchen window. It wasn’t that long ago she dipped into disinterest and put a guard on her heart about the decision to purchase and try once again. She didn’t want the pain.

"Love those horses and you are just gonna hurt," little one said.

"Don’t I know it girl."

Taking her tiny hand in mine, it is difficult at best, but I try to explain that love and hurt are unavoidable and that it’s all worth it still. This sensitive one, already coping with my illness and loss for a time here, looks up at me with her pale little face. I go on blabbering some thing to the effect that love is the greatest, as even when the pain comes-and it will-the pain cannot steal the joy. It hurts terribly at times, but it can’t snatch away all the memories loving brings.

I’m not sure the kid fully comprehends.

I ponder at times if adults fully comprehend. Can we tolerate being loved? Can we allow God to love us and reciprocate? I mean really count the blessings and live all loved?

For me, it is a courageous act, to exercise that trust muscle, to constantly live it and model it in front of children daily. It’s a humble task to be entrusted with, but every single step is a brave step, to risk love and to be loved as God gifts us with such joy. It does my heart good to see the little one leap back into the journey. She is out there now every free minute she has caring, training, and falling head over heels in love with those two little horses.

A Friendly Question

2009-10-25T21:51:00.005-04:00

It’s absurd, I know, but some times I am hesitant to ask Friends where they stand on issues or to share their thoughts with me. They are all nice enough, but it seems we all don’t have so much in common some days and stand for what we do not believe more than what we do. At times I feel alone viewing Christ as my Center. I do not want to bend someone’s nose or cause them to be uncomfortable or even possibly be angry, but I’m curious if I am a lone Friend living with a joyful belief of daily inner baptism and communion with the Lord and one another?

I know, I know...many of you will think I am ignorant. I respect we all differ and do not feel the need for outward symbols of these daily inward realities. I do not feel they are outwardly necessary either. But are they realities to us as a society or to any Friends anymore inwardly, is my burning question.

Here’s the thing. I awake each morning and I’m not carrying around a truck load of guilt, but by midmorning, I can realistically count my short-comings. It’s a daily adventure. I think about the body and the blood each day. And not a day goes by I don’t think about the ever-present baptism in the Spirit; that non-stop cleansing fountain. I think of it as a journey of grace with a love that bubbles up with laughter for the daily gifts, to be intimately cleansed in the water and to sip the cup, feast on the sacrifice given.

Perhaps I am odd. A definate quirk. I was raised in a Christian church that practiced these outward symbols. I did participate at the time, but I never felt them required to be a friend of God. I was happy. I now attend a Quaker meeting and of course, we do not practice these things. I am happy. I guess in truth, my position has not changed on this one item since being that itty bitty little girl in the back pew chewing gum and swinging her legs to and fro. I did those outward practices, felt I was loved and accepted not by the ritual, but by the Lover of my Soul. To me, it was reality and already done for my soul. The seed was planted back then and I knew I yearned to simply to live it daily. Adjusting to Friend’s ways in this just felt right.

I come for my own reasons to worship as an unprogrammed Friend, but I do not come out of a resentful background. Likewise, when reading some literature on the Society of Friends for the first time, I was not horrified, as some of my Christian cohorts seem to be with this non-necessity. Instead, I rather saw it as a blessing of freedom to be offered to and accept the gift anew each day. I was quite relieved when reading Jack Wilcut's book Why Friends are Friends, that I could identify with his position being similar to mine. So I shyly and hesitantly inquire, do any Friends out there have a voice on the spiritual sacraments?

Rest

2009-10-18T18:19:00.011-04:00

One glance at the calendar and all its squares we are passing takes my breath away. I inhale deeply, try to be brave and say goodbye to color. I’m waving my farewell and facing the realization of mid-autumn a little late this year. I want to slow down, make time stand still to celebrate and most of all let go of my racing thoughts to make more room for God’s. I so often pummel Him with words rather than rest in love.

I’m glad to live in an area that experiences four seasons. Some times they just seem to fly by too fast though and I realize I’ve not been intentional enough with my days and with God. Not about all the doing, but more about the being. The vibrancy of autumn has awoken me to this with all it’s leaves, fall mums in russet hues, pumpkins and the smell of fireplaces in the air. I’m memorized by the giggling I hear out amongst the mounds of leaves. But this time is so fleeting and it is soon to be winter. It’s time now to slow down, rest and cut a clearing through the mental clutter and our activity; make a way in, because the Teacher paints with the most awesome colors in the song of the Spirit in every season.

Looking at my end table, Resting Place by Jane Rubietta begs to be read. It’s a quiet escape that invites me into a more meaningful retreat of slowness and solitude. I can do this- start small and slow down a little more each day. It will help me to turn the pages in the book, the calendar and the leaves and just maybe turn my heart more as well.

In Memoriam to Christopher J. Klicka

2009-10-13T16:17:00.003-04:00

Yesterday the home schooling world truly lost one of it’s most awesome advocates and greatest friends. This man, chronically ill with MS, never ceased to inspire me to press on teaching my children through my years of challenges through watching his accomplishments and courage. Chris was an attorney and lobbyist for HSLDA (Home School Legal Defense Association,) author and had seven children of his own he raised with his wife. What an example of bravery, working to the very end and even having two further books in progress at the time of his death. My heart goes out to his family. May they be blessed by peace and cherished memories. His life needs to be remembered and celebrated for the bravery he had to press on despite his circumstances and for the freedoms he helped grant to us today.

If interested, you may read about him here: http://www.hslda.org/docs/news/200910050.asp

It's Christ Who Strengthens Me

2009-10-08T22:47:00.003-04:00

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" came to mind as I tried to sit still with another bad drug reaction. No matter how hard I try to live this or any good, I cannot do it on my own strength. It is in this earthly vessel, the weakest of the weaklings and a coward really, he makes himself known to me. How shocking really. He gives me strength I could not have on my own. It’s about abundance-to still be here. I don’t know what each day will bring, but I know the Lover of my Soul does. How I love him.

Here is the poem I wrote in my journal in response to Philippians 4:13 a month ago when starting this drug. I wait and pray for another chance.

I want to be brave
and fly above
the dark clouds
of my oppressive
illness.
Not be captive
to it, but
transformed
like a carefree
butterfly
eager to take
off into the
unknown,
the next flight.
~JL 8/09

Update

2009-10-03T19:26:00.004-04:00

I have not been blogging much recently due to some medication difficulties which have caused me to be fatigued more than usual. During this time, I've been shown the truth that the little things here matter more than other bigger things and I only have so much energy per day.

So I am putting most my energy towards our schooling and home life. We actually began back to our studies since mid-August and rejoined our home school group. We've been to Park Days to celebrate starting up again and are looking forward to a few field trips.

It's year nine for us and it took a little convincing myself this year. It wasn't a sure thing with how I have been feeling, so many doctor appointments and considering the girls ages and needs. There's many good private schools in the area, but none affordable. Quite frankly our experience of the public school with our son didn't fit the bill for the upper grades. I'd like to avoid it.

After much conversation, prayer and getting other help, I was convinced as every year since this experiment started to continue. Possibly the girl's wishes and these summer photo memories clinched it the most for me. The girls are motivated to be home and together. We're on to another year.

Wordless Wednesday (Not really....)

2009-09-09T21:20:00.011-04:00

Here it is--a rare photo of me looking like me in my glasses, no make up and no time to waste dying my hair with the new fragrance-free natural hair dye that actually works. Hair dye needs to be repeated though, which women do in a very timely manner ad nausum. In case you can't see, I've fetched my first autumn leaves and am elated with them and this is my faithful husband who stands by me with my odd glasses, chronic illnesses and quirky ways. He is still cute in my opinion, for 24 years later and fairly normal glasses.

We're taking a "staycation," which for those who don't know is a vacation at home this year. (Yes, I know some readers call it a holiday, but here we call it vacation and the word "holiday" makes me break out in nervous hives which I suppose is your festival or something but enough of that I do love you all.)

I am a New Jersey girl, but rural as in, very-close-to-Pennsylvania-rural-bear- territory. It is country here which is some times difficult to convince people who think that we are all one big exit off the turnpike. I can understand that. I've lived in several locations in New Jersey, eight to be exact. So, I may be country now, but still Jersey enough to have an opinion on topics from A to Z. I just don't always give them. I will be getting around to more home schooling and blogging eventually, but am taking a break now from the rush of life, routines and forums on the internet. Though with one confession-- you may locate me at times still on Facebook. This country girl is still intending to load in more photos and figure it all out. It is very funny over there, especially live chat. :)

More Joy Habits

2009-09-02T21:01:00.007-04:00

For about two years now, I've been keeping a gratitude journal. My sister gave me this great leather journal and it's become a loved one, showing it's wear. I've not always been what I would call a positive thinker, but more a "realist". Though little by little when I began this new habit, it became motivating and a good way to chase away the darker days. I began to see my days a bit different, look for the gifts, and record love's little mysteries. I thought I'd share my joy habit here from time to time here--so here goes:

1. The way they hum when they bake; the girls often take my place

2.The jump that begs for a momma audience

3. Late summer lightening bug chase

4. The stranger at the hospital with the walker who was willing to chatter away my nervousness

5. Faithful horses that nicker hello every time I return home

6. Long brown braids

7. Late vibrant blooming marigolds

8. Butter dripping down sweet corn

9. Smouldering sunsets

10. Finding purpose again

Endings and Joy Habits

2009-09-01T20:28:00.003-04:00

It is finished-endings. I never liked them. Like the end of childhood, charred relationships, last nights in homes, last carefree walk, last Italian dinner and drink. Now we are in the last days of the summer. You get the point.

Though sometimes what appears to be an ending is a new, different beginning. At times it is good, necessary, even celebratory in some way, this finishing. My mind is now more than ever, exercising this change muscle; this turning all into a joy habit. Saying goodbye to summer is really welcoming autumn, which I'm thankful for too.

The other night I had this mind thought that led me to correlate the cross to the ending–beginning stunt. The cross brings me face to face with Jesus’ suffering. He was alone. All his disciples had deserted him, except for his mother, 3 women, along with John. And his death was agonizing and humiliating. Sure seemed like an ending. His last words, “It is finished” however, expressed triumph rather than defeat. Even on the cross, in those circumstances Jesus knew the joy that was accomplished, though it did not appear sensible at the time. What the Father sent him to the world to do has now been accomplished. He sacrificed for us.

It-this-is finished, but it is the joy of victory.

Our lives in the eternal are now, here, and from today forward. Things may not appear great, and sure may not feel good at times, especially endings, but a new day has begun.

Wordless Wednesday

2009-08-26T11:52:00.005-04:00

My guys having their beach time sun and fun......

"Looks Like God Built Ya a Pond Momma"

2009-08-21T13:03:00.006-04:00

One year ago I had a simple wish of making a very small landscaping pond on our property. I actually wanted to do this as a home school project a few years back and was not able to. Life gets busy. We never built that pond, but to the back of our acre we’ve got endless untamed land and to the side stretches out more miles that has a wet, marshy area.

I’m in the habit of walking the perimeter of our property daily and choose that so that I can hear the birds in the thicket. It’s not unusual to see various critters along the way, tree frogs being one of them, but recently it seems to the side of our yard I was hearing a chorus of frogs with their deep thrill answering one another. I casually mentioned this to one of our kids and they said, “Oh, that’s the pond God built ya, Momma.”

The first thing that came to my mind was that the marshy area was increasingly saturated from recent rains, and was probably a stagnant mess filled with mosquitoes. Walking off the property along the back trail, sure enough for a variety of reasons, the area became damned on one side and formed a pond-like area and most of the wet land area seems to have disappeared. Still skeptical, I looked closer and certainly this little body of water was stirring with life–full of frogs, skater bugs and little minnow fish and grasses growing up in areas surrounding it as if to define it a bit. I caught myself continuing on with one of those ceaseless prayer whispers telling the Lord it was a whole lot bigger than I originally had in mind and chuckling to myself.....

It could be just one of those things that was bound to happen. But the natural progression of the wetland area or not, my child and I experienced it as a God thing, a little surprise, a delightful show of grace along the way.

Meeting for Worship in Cyberspace--Is It Authentic?

2009-08-09T15:37:00.007-04:00

As the clocks in time zones change all over the world, Friends are getting ready for Meeting for Worship. Some are entering traditional stone Meetinghouses, with wide wood floors and worn benches, apparent simplicity all around. Others are filing into newer buildings or even homes, all having one goal in common. They have gathered to be still and listen; to seek the Light together and what may be revealed to them as individuals and collectively as a body. Over the past two years, I have pondered and experimented weekly with the idea that if Friends seek this Light and meet anywhere, could one meet this way in cyberspace?

Who is to say what in what context worship is authentic and where it is not. There are many aspects of meeting, worship and fellowship to consider. I am grateful for the Light’s guidance in my life. Yet, I certainly do not presume to be an authority on the Quaker faith and of it’s many changes and dimensions, but attempt only to share my evolving experience and how the Holy Spirit is leading in my life; how I have found others to share this worth while spiritual journey with.

Some may say the cyberworld is too complex and odd a medium to recreate Quaker fellowship in. Truth be told, I don’t think it replaces a local, physical meeting, but may help meet some of the needs of isolated Friends, those home due to chronic illness, seekers and those just wiling to experiment outside of the box, so to speak. There are differences in that one lacks the visual, voice, those innuendoes that help one identify and connect with ease. Internationally, there are language barriers to overcome and thus room for potential misunderstandings. Some have said that one does not truly ever get to know who one is communicating with and that there is no accountability or ability for this to work. To all this, I offer my experience to date and George Fox’s well known words, “Let us see what love can do.”

Quaker Faith and Fellowship as a internet entity is paving the way by joining hands with other providers, starting with offering Meeting for Worship 7 days per week. There is ability to schedule Meetings for specific times as well to ensure others will gather and seek unprogramed worship together. Much fellowship is offered through “tea and coffee” chat and the forum. There is plenty of discussion, connections and bonding to experience and knowledge to be shared. Individuals are encouraged to speak of their concerns to the community and to hold one another in the Light.

This process is unfolding similarly to physical meeting and members may look forward to emulating it through aspects as they are led. We have MfW in two locations, www.openfaithandfellowship.com and http://quakerworship.org. I prefer to continue to participate in this experience, not with the differences in mind, but with the commonality and similarities as well as the uniqueness as it unfolds. I desire to live it with an open hand and heart. After all, “Where two or three have gathered together in My name, there I am in their midst.” (Matt. 18:20)

I challenge all to consider this verse and the freedom it represents to us to experiment with varying mediums we have within our ability now and in the future, that may meet the needs of some Friends and as outreach capabilities and not to divide, but rather to unite Quaker internet entities. The Spirit will guide us across international lines and time zones. This awesome and powerful Light within will show us the way if we allow it to. So, I conclude with gratitude for all members, welcomed visitors and future members to come, to grab hold of this authenticity, embrace it and continue on in our sharing and our spiritual journeys at www.quakerfaithandfellowship.org and all other Friends sites, as we are one society. All are welcome.

Freedom in God's Love

2009-08-02T11:20:00.004-04:00

About 5 years ago, I began a journey of freeing myself from the past and allowing myself space and time for God to work his way a bit differently in me. I am often times not where I long to be and recognize my faults. But the more I allow myself this grace over discipline, the more my yearnings for the Living God become satisfied.

My mind keeps ruminating on the externals of discipline versus internal transformation. I genuinely believe God is ready to do a work in us when we offer all we are back to him; when we realize that it is his Spirit doing work in us and through us.

The past year with eye pain has conveyed to me that I need to lessen my amount of reading time. I have to care for my eyes scrupulously by putting drops in and compresses on them every hour. Without this experience, I don’t think I would have allowed myself the depth of unstructured days that I do now. All this means I have to be so particular with what I read, but it has also pushed me a bit further down this path of trust, that I am ok to worship directly with my Father. So I have once again been reminded to focus on the truth that the Holy Spirit has come to teach his people today. I am learning in a way I never dreamed I’d have to. I take time out to read scriptures, books, pray and keep silent time, I vary this daily according to my leadings and eye pain. Some days I must simply rest in the Spirit. I am striving to do away with any lingering old tapes of lists of "do's and don'ts". It is an amazing thing to think about that Christ has already done a work in us and will continue to. I can relax a lot more. As Richard Foster says in several of his books, these external disciplines are simply a means of allowing the Spirit to meet us more intimately and directly. I am feeling more and more the freedom of this grace in a new way.

This grace is not about measuring up, but rather the LIFE that the Spirit offers. The Spirit ALWAYS gives life, and life abundant. I was reading one of my newsletters last evening, and it's interesting how my thoughts, discussion studies and readings keep tying together. Within it were a few verses from John which I found renewing. I normally read KJV, but have picked up The Message out of shear curiosity and shock value this past year and it just so happened to be in that. It reads:

"But the time is coming--it has, in fact, come--when what you're called will not matter and where you go to worship will not matter. It's who you are and the way you live that count before God. Your worship must engage your spirit in the pursuit of truth. That's the kind of people the Father is out looking for: those who are simply and honestly themselves before him in their worship. God is sheer being itself--Spirit. Those who worship him must do it out of their very being, their spirits, their true selves, in adoration. " John 4:23-26.

The freedom and the grace is the gift-- the Spirit connected to our spirit; our hearts joined directly in one. This love keeps me thirsting and coming back for more.

A Worthy Read

2009-07-26T15:34:00.006-04:00

I promised a fellow member and friend in Living Whole with Chronic Pain Network that I’d read his book this summer. I finally got around to that, and actually listened to it in audio book form, which was even more pleasant to actually hear Chris’ voice.

Chris Tatevosian wrote Life Interrupted: It's Not All About Me. This is by far the best depiction I’ve taken in on one’s first reactions of a serious medical diagnosis during those first few days and his ongoing acceptance of the disease. Chris has multiple sclerosis. It’s a honest, refreshing memoir of how Chris’ words, actions and self attitude cost him his first marriage. I’m so pleased for Chris to be happily remarried at this time and relying on his strength and faith in God. He stretches his readers to consider their relational patterns in a marriage or partnership with one or the other experiencing chronic illness.

This read is a eye opener to the fact that good communications skills for both in the relationship, no matter what form of chronic pain or illness is involved, is imperative. It’s really written to both partners who struggle with not relating “normal” due to chronic pain and conveys much towards what it is to live, love and sacrifice for the other. Chris desires to share what he has learned to help others avoid his situation.

I thank him for his transparency. Therein, I believe, releases much power and strength to help one another in the journey. This is a funny, sad, and real book. It is a book of hope.

Thanks Chris!

Twenty Four Years Ago Today

2009-07-20T09:08:00.006-04:00

Twenty Four Years Ago Today

It’s July twentieth again.
God provides.
It’s our anniversary and God gifts us with another year.
He does what we cannot do ourselves.

Who would have known all the years would hold.
It was with overwhelming joy and a few growing pains to widen our
love circle, but I look around this old kitchen table and feel these walls talk.
I know how blessed I am with three children and this man,
who time and time again, turns me eighteen with a single smile.

I never imagined what it would be like to be married this long.
I never really knew how it could work.
It’s not as if one is given a manual of instructions.
Yet along the way, you realize it is about the ability to grow
individually, yet together, to share and to ride the bumps and
persevere and maybe most of all, to be open to fall
head over heels in love again and again and again.
It’s about holding hands through the years and living the dance.

God gives.
We circle arms around and pull us into one.
This music, this man, these children and hope
dance me out of bed
every morning
I’d say it again.

"I do."

JL
7/20/09

Blue Sky and Green Leaves

2009-07-17T21:44:00.005-04:00

"In solitude we voluntarily abstain from our normal patterns of activity and interaction with people for a time in order to discover that our strength and well-being comes from God alone." Richard Foster
　
　
I’ve walked along the winding creek and spread out the old pink and blue round -the- world patterned quilt again. It’s my latest trick on days I am well enough to gather a bit of solitude, as the girls are literally immersed in the water catching newts and minnows in their nets. I have come to claim my quiet time with a notebook and Richard Foster’s book Seeking the Kingdom.

A quick review of my "to-do" list, a few scribbles and scratches later, I pick up the book. It’s a good read for me, with it’s short excerpts, considering my eye pain currently.

But the trickling and the bubbling sound spoke to me about as clear as God would I imagine, or perhaps did, that my seeking the kingdom is here, right now and that it is alright to just take in the moment, to put my book down and just be. I’m attempting to rest more than my date book demands of me. Some days I am a complete failure at this slower pace and letting go just to experience, but I am trying with the advice of a good friend. Today was a success and it feels pleasant. I lay back, drop my books and look up at the blue sky through the canopy of green leaves. I am not alone.

Please Stand Up

2009-07-09T22:52:00.005-04:00

It's been a long week. If you can show me some Quaker equality and tolerance at the moment, please stand up. I know, I know that sounds really rude, but I am at a loss on the topic most recently. This frustrates me, as it is one of the very testimonies in which attracted me to Friends. I have not dared to wade out into the subject before now, as I don’t know how to do so without appearing judgmental myself, but it is so heavily on my mind I determined to put my thoughts here rather in my personal journal hoping for some insight. I am thinking more of how the various branches of Friends themselves respond and view one another in light of equality, rather than in the broader sense of the word.

Equality is so at the very heart of our Quaker faith. It’s not hard to see why as the other testimonies such as peace, simplicity and truth really cannot be of proper emphasis in one’s life without equality. To me they go together like a neat little package and while I’ve been witness to a lot quick reactions and dissension amongst the branches recently online, I don’t believe anyone consciously undermines those they feel as equal to. I’ve come to the notion that our lives, our actions can and should display items of commonality rather than a constant underlining of a particular branch. Thus, I’ve even changed my description on this blog as I’ve come to realize it is not benefitting unity lately.

I rely heavily on the internet with it’s various forums and blogs for Quaker companionship. While involved, it does not take long to observe the sting, this seeming urge to cast one as "other" if not in a similar Quaker mind set. I wonder if within the cyberworld there are simply those who are more vocal or that it is easier to fall into critical introspection due to the more impersonal medium. I know first hand that it is not exclusive an experience to a more Conservative Friend, as I’ve watched some Liberal loved ones really get bashed as well and my heart hurts. Quite frankly I am sad at this very moment over it all, as I think love can cover it but I don’t know the solution of this equation in a practical method that could be applied within communities to make all feel equally welcome. I’m left wondering why and I think it is only human to have the need to express and be understood, but some where between expression and the mark we often leave behind, there seems a trail of defensiveness that can easily turn into unhealthy debate.

I can’t claim to be a great scholar in the study of various religions. However, in the overviews and a course I have taken, I’ve never seen historical founders of a faith so esteemed such as Fox and Penn while simultaneously those adhering to that original practice of faith, perhaps a more primitive Christianity referred to as "unlearned". Yes, I am guilty of painting with that broad brush here and I know it full well. But there is something to be said on this delicate ground whereby the case condemned is not always one with a closed mind, but rather a Friend asserting their right like any other person to be true to themselves without having that freedom discarded. To me after observing this for several years now I am finding it the antithesis of Friendly thought. I find it just as wearisome as when my non-Quaker Christian friends or family scrunch up their faces at my announcement of Quakerism and begin questioning my salvation in clever little ways or even bold out right questionnaire-like conversation. Then I watch it largely assumed that some of my more liberal Friends just don’t esteem the Bible at all or have any such knowledge of it, which is blatantly untrue. In fact, I find most to have superior knowledge. Short of all that, does anyone really ever know a person’s heart?

My concern does not fall short here as I am sensitive in nature to the core and I don’t think I am alone in that. Very deep some where inside me is a place, this place that lacks enough words but needs to embrace others who are not like myself. I learn from them, I enjoy them and yes, love them. It some how brings me more peace and heals my own soul. My husband often tells me that I suffer for it and to an extent I think on occasion, he has said it plain. It is in this place where I do not reject my upbringing of Christian heritage, but sift, retain, and gather unto it what I feel are my own individual truths which do very much contain Quaker orientation and testimonies. But I must say, I sit up on the fence like a school kid, wondering how to make others feel loved and their variation welcome and how to not jump off and away from what I’ve claimed as my own–my very own freedom of choice as I need this focus and form of worship. This Quaker way helps and completes me. The practice of unprogrammed worship meets my spiritual needs as well as my physical requirements as I am finally able to enter in to community worship without the constant pressures of being called upon with my painful voice, eye sight and physical demands. I can be myself, reflect and relax and even close my eyes while I seek the Spirit. When meeting is over, I feel I have directly worshiped, rather than been worn out. That to me is refreshing and how I would hate to give up on it. I need elbow room and I see that we all do. My thoughts keep turning to various labels being more of a hindrance than a help.

In my seeking, I can’t help but find myself at the feet of Jesus, pondering his teachings to love God and my neighbor as myself. He didn’t just tell us to love our enemies, he did it. In this society that often pushes Jesus further and further away, I embrace the fact that his teaching was against being judgmental. Many of his followers today ignore this. I have at times ignored this in my fellow Christians. I do think Friends have some thing very special to say to the world right now and though small in number can quietly lead the way, but I feel we need a coming together once again to see all as equal and valuable; we need an equality as portrayed by Jesus. I want the courage to trust and follow so that we can unite together without the constant emphasis of our differences, but living our experiences and truths instead. This thought strengthens my resolve a bit and I sit and wonder can we start with one another?

Seriously Now, I Need Holy Silence

2009-07-05T21:48:00.010-04:00

A few weeks back I slowed down my internet time due to being over-extended here at home. I desired to get caught up, but even more than that, just needed some space and quiet time for reflection and renewal. I was not resting-at all. Though soon to find out once again, the work and interruptions never end. No never. Not when you are a teacher, a mom, a lover, a daughter, a sister, aunt, a house keeper, and friend. Wow, how those roles are not necessarily in the correct order here, nor am I am to fulfill them all as I’d like! They are all a blessing, but a busy one.

As a responded in one of my comment sections, I’m hard pressed here for any sort of quiet place and really have to steal away the time to rest daily or it doesn’t happen. Some times it can’t happen. That’s reality. At age 45 I’m smart enough to fight a bit for what I need and that’s a time for sacred holy silence. It’s tricky here, so I claim a few green fields as my own as well as the bathtub. I’m not ashamed to say it, I read, pray, eat, day dream and yes– commonly fall asleep in my bathtub. See, a shut bedroom door might work– but only for a while.
I’ve come to identify in William Penn’s words, "True silence is to the spirit what sleep is to the body, nourishment and refreshment. "

So, I’m making an effort to take the time and it helps me slow my thoughts which come to me at lightening speed often. It makes more room in life to expect to connect directly to God which is becoming increasingly important to me the older I become.

That being so, I thought I had my personal time nabbed the other day. Sliding into a rejuvenating tub to the brim, my muscles relaxed and with eyes closed I shut out the world for a while. Though in the distance, I hear my phone belting out it’s tune not once, not twice, but five times. This was a persistent caller and with that many consecutive rings, it dawned on me it could be an emergency. So, dripping wet, wrapped in a towel I go running through the house to search for my phone, which was of course, very deep some where in the abyss of my purse. At this point I was very aware of the puddles across the wood floor and oriental rug. Sure enough, a message from hubby telling me that the next door neighbor had called him at work and did I know that our two horses were loose in his yard?!? That was a relief, as it was no emergency, but one look out the window–still in the towel mind you–it evidently seemed an emergency to him! Being the overly reflective person I am at times, I chalked it all up to God letting me know that I’m not always in control and it just wasn’t time for my silence for the day. We precariously took care of that one here and mopped up....

I am not giving up. I need time for this daily renewal apart from the noise of the day and the internet that so easily becomes like a magnet in order to to reflect on thoughts that arise. I need to continue to rest and process what I've been through while recreating a new and different life today. I want to claim more time of expectant silence to experience God for myself. It can’t be done in noise and it has to be done in my own way, not necessarily how others do it. Don't get me wrong, I love time on the computor as well as most people, but more silence and more time in the green world to gently rock me like a baby may work best.

Summer is Here!

2009-07-01T21:33:00.009-04:00

Summer time may have finally come to my part of the world! I believe we lost the month of June to rain, chest colds and completing our home school year. We finished up the year by boring the girls with the IOWA Test of Basic Skills. It was the first year for Teacup to be taking it and she finished almost every battery by standing up on her chair about half way through the timed test, announcing she was "all done"! Then we took a day to visit various museums in the area and a nature center. We brought the Principal with us. I have a 'thing' for him.....always did like nice looking educators. The girls liked having Daddy along too.

Our son also graduated from public high school. We are still reeling from all that involved and adjusting to the fact that we seem to have an adult child living under our roof. It's not a statement I say lightly......lol.

So, I've spent most of June selling our old books and purchasing new ones for next September. I ordered a lot of curriculum, but also let the girls pick out several hands-on science projects and experiments. The problem there is they have just arrived in the mail and they want to do them now. I hope they are still as enthusiastic when I break them out next semester. I'm finally done organizing my files and records, breathing that sigh of relief, but lingering in my mind is we will never pass this way again. Grade 3 and grade 7, for whatever levels are worth, are officially history in our family.

And now, Ganeida over at Ganeida's Knots has decided I should get this 'True Heart Award' for one who with "true Quaker simplicity&directness chronicles the ups&downs of her life." Hmm...very kind and generous, two in a row, but my readers probably all deserve it more than me for reading about all those downs! LOL...anyways, I am grateful for this and cannot turn it down as it is a heart and I am so particularly fond of hearts!

"Those who receive this award are of the sweetest nature. They are kind, friendly, funny, loving, eager to share their love for Jesus with others, and brave in their efforts to reflect Him to this darkened world. They are the kind of folks you're blessed to know, even if it's only in the bloggy-sphere."

I'm passing this award onto three lovely people who come to mind immediately after reading that:
My Autumn Years, Renee
Light in the Sphere, Farrah
Sufficient Grace for Suffering Saints, Marsha

A Blog Award?

2009-06-25T21:29:00.010-04:00

I was given this blog award by Ganeida over at Ganeida's Knot's for writing with serenity and simplicity and the dear thinks I have a "lovely" style. Many thanks to her, though I'm not so sure as I just talk really, but I guess it describes my blog header photo! LOL..... To those of you that do not know Ganeida, she is from Australia and is a Quaker homeschooler who writes much more frequently than I am able and has a wonderful wit about her. Many a day her pieces just bubble up with joy, honesty and make me laugh aloud. To honor her, I will go ahead and share 7 things about myself here:

*1. I was a very quiet child who disliked school. I think it all may have started when I couldn't find a seat on the crowded bus, was told to close my eyes at nap time (never!) and when the art teacher told me my pumpkin had to be made over again as it was not round. Didn't make sense to me as we grew pumpkins and most were oval and some were odd shaped and I loved my pumpkin. Mrs. White, however did not love my pumpkin. Funny thing is I loved going to University and I never wanted to stop. Started talking a lot there too. I mourned the day I was done and still do. I want to go back and can't. That's life.

*2. My first memory is purposefully tipping over my highchair in the kitchen during family dinner. I recall being bored, not being hungry and wanting to get down on the floor so that I could spin in circles. Not sure what that says about me....!I still recall the color and pattern of that old linoleum floor. This falling chair act became a habit, so I confirmed and so did climbing furniture.

*3. I apparently see all sorts of things in nature other people do not. No, I do not hallucinate that I know of, but have at other times due to sleep deprivation. I often see hearts in leaves, tree trunks and in swans. I love to mingle with God in nature. Yes, I love hearts and I think I am in love with love. However, I keep this quote on my refrigerator that does describe me quite often though most people would not know it as I am peaceful and typically quiet: "I had a lover's quarrel with the world," by Robert Frost.

*4. I am probably the least competitive person I know. The suggestion of playing a game at a party makes me blush red. I don't want anyone to feel bad if I were to win either.

*5. I am allergic to animals but I have 9 pets. I can't help myself as I like to bring things home. On top of that I have a love affair with naming them. Our number of pets increased dramatically when we were no longer able to bring any more children home. I have an enormous list of left over names of boys and girls and so I like to name animals using them. Problem is, my family members usually do not agree with my names. This happened to me when naming babies as well.

*6. I prefer male companions. I think it all began in my mid to late teens when I got a job at a local mental hospital as a waitress. There may or may not be a correlation there. ROTFL.

Males are not catty, most are not as complex within relationships, and very fun. So sorry ladies, I truly do like you and feel so blessed to get to know my readers! When my brother gave me away at my wedding he told me I should stop various male friendships. I was a bit stunned. I've been told to work on deepening my female friendships and so I am attempting. It's hard some times.

*7. I wear 5 earrings. My husband is not thrilled with this fact, but still apparently loves me after soon to be 24 years! The fifth one is fairly recent and it took him a number of days to observe this happening. My daughter's had great fun waiting for that to occur. Neither of my daughter's have pierced ears. I keep offering to take them to have it done and they say no. The youngest has gone as far as saying that if God wanted her ears pierced, he would have had her born with holes already in them. I can't figure where these ideas come from as she does not get them here!

What I really want to do, is get a tiny little flower tattoo on my .....................ankle, yes really. But there again, hubby does not like them and it would not be good for my reactive skin problems so I'm not getting one, but I tell him it is out of respect to him. (Wry grin....) And it partially is.

In turn, I am to honor 7 people. This is a problem honestly, as most blogs I read I KNOW the writers would not want to do this. I had fun, but am opting out of awarding 7 and will just award 3 who I think will enjoy it. Here goes:

*Jennifer at Tree of Life Homeschool for her hand's on children's projects and unique homeschooling method with a heart for including Friend's ways into her day.

*Heather at Still Life for a really good Quaker read that is to the point, fresh and honest. She writes poetry I so enjoy as well.

*Jessica at Trivium Academy for sharing the most advice, schedules, book lists and helps to the general homeschool community through several years. She is a women of great courage and strength and I admire her especially now.

That's it and it gave me a topic to write on! Ok, you all are next.

Wednesday Photo

2009-06-24T11:53:00.005-04:00

Empty me
pour me out

simplify my life

that there may be

more room to fill

with more of you.

Sweet River

2009-06-14T22:31:00.003-04:00

I scampered across the stream from rock to rock forgetting myself, my age, my some times funny balance problems. It happens, this adult turns to child out there; there in the green with the water bubbling and the sun and shade playing games too. Resting for a while, I’m thoroughly entertained watching the girls make their way all over this place as there is a strategy involved, a quick calculating of maneuvers to decide which way is best, which rock is too risky. I chuckle to myself as it’s a human chess game. A game of run the river.

Isn’t that what we do? We are running the river of time and it’s precious, bittersweet and some times there are no words that adequately describe watching yourself grow up and older, let alone your children.

Time to go and little one needs help on a teetering rock, all others ahead watching as I snap her up, forgetting myself. See, it’s not so easy any more, never the less there is that quick instinct to pick up my now 43 pound nine year old baby. We have ourselves a moment, that seems to linger on forever as I waver, slip and slide, and try to regain my balance all the while the others are just grinning ear to ear thoroughly entertained on the other side. All I care is that my baby doesn’t get hurt and the wetness from the unexpected dip in is nice once on solid ground. I think to myself, that may have been a "last".

Unexpected is that last diaper, that last time at the breast, last spoon feeding and last push of the bike, that final child. Who would have known those sacred moments were the last, etched as they are in my mind. Huge step across time and a bit of a challenge to maneuver, my firstborn that I could not pick up nor push on the swing during his young years graduates from highschool in a few short days! It’s a pretty big last, but I’m attempting seeing it more as a first. Who would have known the sweet grace granted unto me along the way. I’m skipping on rocks again, though paying for it dearly. I’m seeing more beauty that I over looked before and what is sweet when it does come to me is a whole lot sweeter. Though I did not fathom the boulders I’d have in the way now. Paul says to count it all joy, and so I attempt to through startling shade and brightening sunny days. I laugh and I cry so often that feeling of the same vein now.

What joy and what comfort to know that there are no lasts when it comes to the Lover of my Soul. It will never be over; there will be no finality nor any separation. God is loving me, holding me safe, while I lag behind them now watching them run the race on ahead. It’s the natural order of things. I am mentally cradling them in my heart cheering them on as they take steps, jump, and encounter risks. I am rejoicing in the truth of us all being held eternally. It’s not always easy, but it’s time to run unencumbered; keep running the river of time.

Quaker Book List for Children

2009-06-11T17:39:00.005-04:00

We are at the end of our semester of home educating here and are looking forward to a good long break. Last week we finished up our standardized testing using the ITBS. It was my youngest daughter's first time taking the test, which went well other than her standing up on her chair and announcing "I'm done!" about half way through each and every subtest. Not to worry, I made her sit back down and review her work for a while and now we are all curiously awaiting the results in the mail. This week I am still swimming a bit in paper work and selling and purchasing new curriculum for next fall. I'm not assuming God is going to allow me to be well enough to teach, but preparing and attempting to live it with an open hand, recognizing ultimately it is God that is in control of the chaos of our lives for a purpose and plan. I'm trying to rest in that and slow down still.

Amongst my papers here, I have several book lists compiled and came across several books we have used in the past 2-3 years that are specifically Quaker in nature or at least a bit Friendly. I thought that I would share them here in case they may be of benefit to anyone. They are not alphabetized at all or complete in any way, but a good start perhaps to adding some Quakerly ways to our years. I'm finding the older my children get, the easier it is as so many books naturally come up as supplements during our history cycles, but by far my favorites have been the precious Obadiah books which I will never grow too old for!

Quaker Booklist for Children

Primary:
How Does God Listen?, Kay Lindahl
A Little Peace, Barbara Kerley
Can You Say Peace? Karen Katz
Thy Friend, Obadiah, Brinton Turkle,
Obadiah the Bold, Brinton Turkle
Rachel and Obadiah, Brinton Turkle
We’re Going to Meeting for Worship, Abby A Hadley
I am a Quaker, Felic Blanc

Elementary:
Allen Jay and the Underground Railroad
Plant a Seed of Peace, Rebecca Seiling
I Can Make a Difference: A Treasury to Inspire Our Children, edited Marian Wright Eldelman
Children Just Like Me, Anable and Barnabas Kindersley (very respectful look at kids and cultures, promotes equality, good for geography)
**Spinning Tales, Weaving hope: Stories, Storytelling and Activities for Peace, Justice and the Environment(stories and suggested activities)
MLK: The Journey of a King, Tanya Bolden
Peace Tales: World Folktales to Talk About, Margaret Read Macdonald (for wide age range really)
Betsey Ross, Designer of Our Flag, Childhood of Famous American Series

Upper Elementary:
Standing in the Light, Dear America Series
Thee, Hannah! Marguerite De Angeli
**Good Friends, Judith Baresel (stories and famous Quaker profiles)
When the Soldiers Were Gone, Vera Propp
Witch of Blackbird Pond, Elizabeth George Speare
Arrow Over the Door, Joseph Bruchac
William Penn: Quaker Colonist, Kieran Doherty
**A Colonial Quaker Girl: The Diary of Sally Wister
Jared’s Island, Marguerite De Angeli
Friend, The Story of George Fox and the Quakers, Jane Yolan
　
　
*Growing in the Light Series-Good parent resource, simple but outstanding resource to prepare children for worship
**Books we have not personally read yet, but are scheduled for next semester

Not a Sound

2009-06-06T18:02:00.007-04:00

I took a bit of a break from some forums I am on, announcing my presence would be a bit sparse over the next few weeks. I'm not exactly sure when I'll be back to full speed again or if I even want to be. I need a bit of room, a little margin in my life and more time to be in the moment here at home. I also needed to finish our homeschooling and all the paperwork that goes along with that and take some time to renew both physically and mentally as I have been a bit overwhelmed. The first few days, I still went at life with a fast clip just trying to knock out my "to do" list. But in the moments that followed with each task completed and just not being so connected to my lap top by the hip, I began to notice a calm, a silence come over me. This weekend I feel much better rested. I still have a long ways to go with my paperwork, but in a quiet moment contemplated the value of stepping back, disconnecting from electronics and rigid schedules. I even day dreamed a bit how life used to be as a kid, just hanging out at my Grandparent's homestead in lawn chairs, sipping ice tea and not necessarily saying all that much but enjoying the quiet. Kids today are missing a lot of that unstructured time and quiet in return for a hurried pace. I'm not a poet, so this came to me in a still moment more as a thought or ministry all at once and I thought I'd share it. I did not bother editing it, fiddling with it or anything--as I said, I am on break you see!

Not a Sound

Where did the silence go

the pause in the every day

The bow of heads at meals

the break at mid-day

Lawn chairs in a circle

porch swings that gently sway

The walk without words

hands intertwined

A slight nod

a glance come my way

When did it all stop

being worthy of our time

In this world today

where did the silence go?

Wordless Wednesday

2009-06-02T21:55:00.003-04:00

"Love comforteth like sunshine after rain."
- William Shakespeare

Weekend Wanderings

2009-05-25T12:58:00.017-04:00

Weeks go by quickly and before I know it, it is First Day again, or should I call that Sunday? In our family, right now, we seem to use the two interchangeably. Yesterday, I overslept and so our weekly dilema of whether I am well enough to go out to Meeting or Church became a moot point. Neither did we have to decide then which one we would head off to; that in itself was renewing. Instead, after a slow morning, we meandered around my favorite farm in our area, which is actually just minutes from our homestead. We feel right at home there as my husband and older daughter spent several seasons participating in a work exchange-education program at the farm. So when we go, we tend to allow ourselves to go to all the little forbidden hide-aways in these precious acres. Of course for me, that leads us along the straightest path possible through the woods and to the rocky creek below.

Memorial day denotes the official start of barefoot season at my house. It also means the big rubber boots that we water stomp in get tossed off and the first few steps in cold spring water are taken. Little one never hesitates.

I'm not convinced that God is offended by our lack of attendance, but rather may allow us to worship him along different paths in different seasons of life. Dear one often does devotionals of the girls choice and Bible readings for us on a Sunday, and so joined us and brought it all along with my picnic quilt. We set up our time for quiet comtemplation and devotions right there along the water.

Little one decided she could listen best from this rock that she affectionately named her "devotional rock." We all have our different learning styles!

Right there I prayed for the moment, for today, that the Spirit would come play in this place.....

......And to renew and strengthen us, bind us together to face the coming weeks ahead.

"For with You is the fountain of life; In Your Light we see light."

Psalm 36:8-9

Party Time

2009-05-24T20:28:00.006-04:00

I attended my first party in over three years this weekend other than extended family parties. I'm telling the truth, it's been that long, and I was frankly a bit overwhelmed with the thought of it. I've decided taking myself out, is akin to preparing to take a newborn out for the day. I'm never quite certain I'll be up for the task and how long I can deal with pain outside of my home without normal routines.

First of all, I've long given up the delicate purses and traded them in for a bunch of pretty tote bags. Even using them, I'm hard pressed for space. I need at least 3 water bottles, major amounts of medication, 6 types of eye drops, mouth moisturizer, candy, and food and snacks for every two hours I am out of the house as I cannot eat what most "normals" do. There's no quick dash through the nearest fast food drive-through that can serve me! I should be used to this from going to the doctor's offices so frequently and I really am getting in the habit of having my bag stocked and ready to grab at the last minute. However, instead of at the last minute grabbing a baby, I've got to make certain I've grabbed my moisture chamber glasses. This is no problem for a medical appointment or even out to the shops, but to a party I felt a bit shy. Well, perhaps a bit more than shy, I think I was feeling probably a little more apprehensive than that and on the verge of a panic attack beginning to register a 10 on a scale of 1-10.

When I first understood that I'd need to wear these glasses for dry eye due to Sjogren's Syndrome, I was told it would be just for an hour or two a day to help increase moisture. I'm one to roll with things, and decided to go ahead and purchase an inexpensive pair in pink. (Not shy at the time!) No big deal. That was last August and now I've faced the truth that I will always need them outdoors and can only take short breaks of maybe an hour or two off indoors. So, for the next pair I bought an expensive pair of glasses in tortoise that are photochromic and have an orbital seal. I don't think a thing of wearing them within my own home, as they help me profusely. One quirk indoors is, for some odd reason, I am unable to deal with wearing them while taking a phone call. I have no idea why....

Enter a party and all eyes turn for greetings and introductions. Outdoors, these glasses are not that noticeable, but indoors believe me people really stare! Mind you, last August I was extremely happy to replace my ordinary distance glasses with the most dainty little pair I've ever had before this heavy duty construction zone job! Well, those prescription glasses rarely get taken out of their pretty little case. I need to do what is best for me. What I wasn't prepared for, is I seem to be able to attract a whole different population of people, and these people are quite impressed! Truth be told, Sjogies have very little options other than culinary onion glasses or motorcycle glasses to act as moisture chambers. Someone definitely needs to market to our needs and could make a great deal of money, but as it is now it takes some ordering online or a jog down to the nearest Harley-Davidson Shop for a pair of Panoptx or Wileys and they are very tricky to fit properly. I've got Panoptx Solanos and evidently, they are COOL glasses to a very minute population of party goers. Who would have guessed?

I've decided I'm up for it. I might not be healthy enough to attend a lot of parties or to stay out until the wee hours of the dawn anymore, but I'm going to keep adapting and not let it get to me as much. I'm ready for the next party.

Wildflower Wednesday

2009-05-20T17:34:00.011-04:00

"Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good; his love endures forever."

Psalm 107:1

purple trillium

bluebells

Jack and the Pulpit...perhaps a reminder to sit and listen

lady slippers (yellow!)

native azaleas

Here We Go Again

2009-05-16T21:06:00.003-04:00

One glance out the window and I read three bodies like a book. Husband’s confidant and strong, one daughter steady and the other is absolutely distraught looking at our latest mess. Two horses, one running strong and the other one visibly sick. Then there’s me right then and there, having that same conversation with God, thanking him for his very Being in the midst of our complexities which we often bring on ourselves.

I’m holding on thanking him for his Presence with eyes wide open. Telling him once again I don’t understand, I whine a bit but tell him it’s all good. I know there’s good. The ill horse has gotten strangles–horse strep–every horse owner’s nightmare. I continue praying; I’m whispering my story, what’s important to me. It’s that story where my kids grow up with security, free from fear with a happy ending, but once again my heart’s skipped a beat.

The phone conversation repeats in my mind: highly contagious, too late to quarantine the other horse, no medication at this point so we just let it run it’s course. I think some people purchase a horse, put it in a field and it lives there for 25 or so years and then dies. Not our story. Well this is, and as symptomatic as this illness in horses go, it’s upper gland on the side of it’s neck has finally abscessed, split open and is draining white thick fluid like water pouring out of a hose. It’s day three and it is still draining.

Some times all gives way. Life is like that.

This will pass, though things like this tend to trip me. See, I’ve always been a late bloomer. I’ve had a strong faith for so long, but fears and trust issues challenge me periodically. I fall but I always get back up because it’s God that holds my hand and makes me a bit stronger, more focused, determined and growing in peace. I can’t do life without this praying continuously. But kids–kids are a big leap of faith. They are God’s and he’s entrusting them to me for a time, which is a huge responsibility.

So, how do you tell them that life’s slippery and it hurts, that all the while still hope glistens and there is joy if you hold on at the same time. That’s it, I mean, the holding on I must teach them as I learn myself. It’s not the same manner of living I lived just a short few years back; it is new territory. The little one has not had a similar experience as our older children. She’s experienced a lot of failed plans, and seen a lot more pain. She can only remember me sick, she does not remember the secure times, the times filled with spontaneous life and laughter. It some how doesn’t feel fair, her being the most sensitive of the bunch but life is not about being fair. Some days I think she is being prepared for quite a journey and is gathering training and strength to run her own race with resilience and I guess they all are.

I awake to a new day and her crying. She’s responding to being told that she is not to go into the horse area for a few days and that her father will feed and care for her horses. The cries don’t stop from this little one and as certain as I breathe, I knew they would not any time soon. Neither will she accept a hug or any consolation until she’s exhausted herself. My heart twists, as while watching this quiet one on the surface, she is normally doing all she can to please, but at the same time there is this little undertow of current with waves that crash due to her stubborn love. There is a small place that does not go with the flow. She is familiar. I recognize the way she loves and it is relentless, coming from a heart that spills. She’s heart broken down to her toes. She’s in for days stretched out before her of not hugging, touching, or grooming her horses needing all the while to care for them in illness and it’s due to me, her momma. A momma that needs to err on the side of caution due to taking immune-suppressant drugs. This momma hurts for both daughters, feels hope shot so soon in our second try to move on with these horses after the death of our first. Perhaps I am too introspective as my Beloved here motions about finely tuned and taking care of business as normal, sure in the midst of the heart spill. But there is an ache on the way to eventual happiness around the corner again, as this hurt and joy given mingle. I see a "maybe happy ending" out the window now that the little horse is eating it’s grain. It will turn around again. I want to turn around again.

I know that I should not shelter my children and I cannot take away life’s uncertainties. Every day is a precious opportunity to learn together how to accept and live this life. While some times I’m mumbling my words as I go along in prayer and other times in communion within silence, each day is a new story of learning to rest, trust and grasp hold of the abundant life, the one we all have been granted.

Little one finally accepts that hug and holds tight, our tears becoming one stream together. I read her face again and know we will be alright. It takes me a while to get there too, but the verse comes to me without seeking it out: "Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus." (1 Thess. 5:16-18.)

Time to Fly

2009-05-13T09:32:00.009-04:00

"If nothing ever changed, there'd be no butterflies." --Author Unknown

Wordless Wednesday

2009-05-06T14:38:00.002-04:00

As usual, it is hard for me to be completely "wordless". The item draped with the quilt in the background is a tv. that was blaring a ball game. It was our attempt last evening to make things a bit "wordless" so the quiet one could practice her harp. She is dreaming of a big cherry harp with all the levers and I am busily holding off and teaching contentness for the moment......

Sjogren's Syndrome Walkabout 2009

2009-05-03T18:48:00.010-04:00

I wasn’t looking forward to it. I avoided the notion of it for an entire year now, tucking the inner voice that was working on prodding me out of my comfort zone into action tightly away. A year ago this month, I was formally diagnosed with Sjogren’s Syndrome, which is the second most common autoimmune disease with a staggering four times as many cases as Lupus, yet so little is known that the majority of both general doctors and specialists are not educated in the simple symptoms enough to screen their patients and point them onto further diagnosis. I’ve lived this year in much thought about how that needs to change practically speaking and also carrying a load of guilt that I am the first person within my entire extended family to have an autoimmune disease; I have regrettably hurdled this genetic marker into our family’s future. The ability to join Sjogren’s Foundation and fund-raise has given me some where to put some of my thoughts into action.

To know me, is to know that I would not spontaneously choose to attend a walkabout with people with my disease. It is not that I do not feel compassion and great empathy for them, but my experiences with them has often led me to compare or catastrophize my own case.

I don’t breathe well in doctor’s rooms.

I don’t breathe well near other sjogren’s patients.

I wake up not breathing well with the thought that I am an autoimmune patient.

Though I am learning that I am truly no different a person than the day before I was diagnosed. Nothing really changed the day after and I’ve just been given a title in a society where it is almost a sin to have an undiagnosed disease, so it is for the best. It is information that I needed along with symptoms justified, and we are all in effect, in this process of dying. Socrates had a phrase for it, how to engage our days with "the practice of dying," asserting there is no way to fully live until we know how to die. I think I’ve walked a while down that road in my own mind a few times and so now most days I am ready to live more.

In the process of this daily dying and reflecting on that, I surprise myself at times and find the deeper, wider life. It’s not the one I had planned, but it is a life. Also, as a Friend, I am reminded to live means to take an action however small, to let go of all the stuff; all the cumber that weighs one down, as well as any lingering bitterness in the backroom of my soul.

So, I walked. I attended the Philadelphia Tri-state Area’s fund raiser along with my family. I had the pleasant surprise of a good friend who insisted she and her family walk along with us for support. I saw other people appearing a lot stronger than myself and many further progressed than me. However, that all faded away walking toward that common goal of continued research for future generations so that this neglected disease will get the attention it deserves and our descendants and others who will pass this way will not suffer so. There was no need for explanations, there was no need for embarrassment of wearing my hydration glasses, for clutching my water bottle, applying eye drops and taking medication. That was pleasant, as was the display of families just like mine, laughing, talking and persisting in living. Life holds many of these surprises around every corner, reminders of living with gratitude and joy on the way to death.

Together, we raised a total of $68,451 this past weekend. I did nothing but show up and give all the credit for my total portion to my family and contributors. I shocked myself in my ability to walk 1.7 miles that I never thought I could, but even more significant, I left with a little more joy and relief as I’ve dropped some of my guilt and sorrow, the responsibility I’ve carried for scarring my family. As I left, I tore the scarlet letter off my chest.

"Therefore we do not loose heart.
Though outwardly we are wasting away,
yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.
For our light and momentary troubles are
achieving for us an Eternal glory
that outweighs them all.
So we fix our eyes not on what is seen
but what is unseen.
For what is seen is temporary,
what is unseen is Eternal."
2 Cor 4:16-18

CNN: 10 Homeschooled Celebrities Article

2009-04-28T14:36:00.002-04:00

I found this quite an interesting short read on CNN online. This quote just amazes me! "Louisa May Alcott studied mostly with her dad, but had a few lessons from family friends Henry David Thoreau, Ralph Waldo Emerson and Nathaniel Hawthorne. Can you imagine?"

http://www.cnn.com/2009/LIVING/04/22/mf.home.schooled/index.html

Around the Preserve with a Touch of Spring Fever

2009-04-27T18:21:00.012-04:00

These photos are from the same trip a while back to the pond, so please don't let this blog delude you into thinking I get out a lot, because I really don't. In fact, I still don't like that part of blogging, as what a reader often reads or sees is the better stuff, not the "real" life happenings that occur day to day. My photos often help me through to the next time I can get out. The view of the sky is from the vantage point of laying down on the edge of the bridge to rest. I'm a bit nervous with heights at times, but also am known to thrive on a bit of fear of that sort, and the stone soaks up the heat, which feels fabulous! Fortunately, there are benches throughout, but the bridge still comes in at a handy stopping point. I can't resist marveling at the mossy bench shown above. It's as if there is an unwritten rule that no one that no one is to sit on that one as not to disturb it's natural beauty and growth. I posted it as it's just charming to me. I think when we go next there will be a lot more growth other than this skunk cabbage and the marsh marigolds. In just a couple of weeks time, we have more in our yard than that day as all seems to be bursting forth. I did capture a great trout lilly, which I was thrilled over, but the photo didn't do it justice as the speckled folliage of the lilly was hidden by some of last falls leaves still about. At any rate, we are dreaming of our next trip soon as we know the bluebells will be out but I have to just awake to that day--the one I know I will feel capable of going--so no planning much in advance lately.

Day to day here, we are schooling at a varied pace, but then again it is spring fever time in full swing. We've had the children taking turns being ill which tends to put a damper on organization and our schedule and all have been a little bit down about it. So, we began brainstorming at gathering time two weeks ago what we could do to help ourselves and the solution has been to get in our core subjects and then treat ourselves to diving into subjects that aren't necessarily in our lesson plan book. Also, it is funny to me that the girls have both asked to do so many of the activities we used to do like raising painted lady butterflies, doing spelling words in shaving cream, making home-made play dough and generally a lot of art as well as crafts are going on. It's kind of funny to see the girls, now so much older, doing some of these once loved activities again, but it feels right as I'm not sure how much longer we will pass this way again or if we will. By the way, if you have not indulged in shaving cream play, you have not really lived. It feels incredible and actually one is never too old for it.

They're Back!

2009-04-21T15:53:00.004-04:00

Approaching the pond, it is silent. This soundless reflection reminds me of how I’d like my spirit to be...stilled, quiet, a reflection of my Father. I don’t know why the thrill is so strong, every year the same thing since beginning to home school eight years ago as I always loved nature. I transform into a child in my mind or perhaps it is that there is still a part of me that is and will always be childlike. It is also in the blessing of being able to join in the sharing, the hearing together of those first trills in the throat of a frog with children who are also so eager and care free. I want a front row seat. I can’t get any closer to the edge, without flirting with falling in. It’s another thing I don’t want to miss so along with the girls, so I enter in. Slowly, silently and cautiously we wade out into the pond. We hear them, the peepers now. I’ve always believed there is a lot to learn in the middle of a pond with one’s head out of a text book.

Some times I only hear life when I still. I function best when life is simple and I remove the clutter. To me, that is really all about simplifying anything that gets between me and God. Often it is busyness, my computer and possessions, relationships that are complicated, but most often it is the clutter of myself. It’s in my own mind. I’m learning and relearning this as it is the hardest part for me just to be quiet, cease talking and running the show in order to listen closer. God is ever-patient to teach me time and time again, this relentless old girl. All the motioning, spinning, talking way too much for my own good, for my own way and my own beliefs even. The peepers, they are back and a good reminder, a great gift. Still me Lord.

*technically this is a frog amongst the duck weed, not exactly a true peeper, but those peepers are amazingly small, fast and difficult to get a photo of! More around the pond photos to follow.

Every Day is a Holy Day

2009-04-09T12:30:00.003-04:00

You might wonder why a Friend is writing on the topic of a holiday, why once again I’ve brought my bare wooden forsythia branches inside and put them in a cream colored pottery pitcher. I hang the same real hand painted eggs I have for about two decades now and this year have added some actual bird nests, which are a treasure to me. It is simple, it is quiet and before all the bustle interferes.

The "why" is because we are a family and we are diverse, but we are more the same than we are different. Each of us is more comfortable with stressing different elements of worship of this same God. And so yes, as a Friend I do celebrate Christ’s resurrection with my family and the renewal that brings each and every day in my heart. I breathe in and out because of this, so I am not offended by the day and hope to grasp hold of it every single holy day I live not just one day. Do I need bunnies, candy, church and eggs hunts–huge representations and symbols of this holiday event? No, not at all, but I need to love and honor those who do. To not do so, would not be Friendly in my mind at all to those around me.

As much as I try to subdue them, Christmas and Easter still get elevated more than I’d like here. Every year I make subtle changes to rid as much emphasis and commercialization as I can. I’m willing to let it slide for those who need it and do it up big style. As Friends, I do believe that no one day should be singled out as more holy than others. For me, it is not a case of not celebrating it, as it is more about remembering to celebrate it every day in between. Perhaps what sets me apart is HOW it is done. Christ did not establish special days, but did tell us to be aware of numbering our days and has shown us our earthly days are fleeting. So, I do not regard it as inherently sinful, but do yearn to do it vastly different than I did previously. Though as a family, everyone must make choices that best reflect their own set of values, even within a solely Quaker family. There is melding to take place, variations to consider, negotiations to be chewed upon.

My branches bloom brilliant yellow and my nests are a simple reminder of renewal and a promise of hope to come. We meld together; we lean into one another and I contemplate this in a wider context of diversity and variants amongst the branches of Friends. Not only on this subject but on many, many topics and how to bring renewal of openness, love and acceptance within them. I’m not sure how. It seems to be much more problematic than I first thought, but I pray it can begin in small ways within me.

Do the Next Thing

2009-04-08T11:44:00.007-04:00

Some times I fail to know what to do; what step I should take next and what purpose life now holds. In the past years, I’ve tried on various roles like some people try on clothing. At times I make mistakes and need to yield to where God is leading me more. I am not a perfect girl. It’s a serious topic for discussion actually, but today I’m not delving in deep. In fact, I’ve gone rather quiet about talking over such matters. But actually, I do attempt to seek what God intends for each day and I try to listen.

So, I listen and in the mean time wonder what do I do when I’ve failed 2 adoptions, been diagnosed with autoimmune disease, and lost my career? What do I do when I have to put a horse down, put money on another horse and it suddenly goes blind, and then next be told I may go blind some day?!? I know, I know–it all sounds like a bad riddle!

The answer is I don’t know. Not only do I not know, but I don’t intend on sitting here any more thinking about it all so much. That didn’t work as it was upsetting, selfish, dull, dangerous and just not much fun to be around. It’s time to recall God’s faithfulness in the past and once again time to try to do the next thing. So I have–we have–this past weekend, brought home two new miniature horses. Please meet Starlight and Moonshine, our new 3 year old geldings. The "next thing" is I am going to learn how to cart and my husband and daughter are going to teach me. After that, I’m not quite certain, but I think I’m on the edge, to the brink, of making more peace within while not always knowing what is next in just living each day. Not every day, but most days. Perhaps another way will open for more serious endeavors or maybe my path is being made plain and clear to become more still and faithful than I’ve been in the past. At any rate, it took no time at all to love these minis, as it was love at first sight. I got my boys.....

Wednesday Photos

2009-04-01T11:16:00.005-04:00

My photos today are of a very special family reunion of my siblings and their children on the occasion of my father's 70th birthday. He's not just my father, but I consider him to be a wonderful friend as well. Doesn't he look awesome for 70?!? I am blessed and thankful too for my stepmother coordinating the day.

"To Be"

2009-03-28T17:54:00.005-04:00

I was busily teaching Shakespeare to my son about two and a half years back and blinded with chronic pain with a severity level that was incomprehensible to me. My arms and body literally were shaking from the pain of unhealed acid reflux, throat and esophageal spasms and other various severe symptoms. While we joked around with the famous quote: "To be or not to be–that is the question!" I was full throttle trying to escape the pain I was in, and Hamlet’s lines to me became part of my life story. I planned, I plotted and I contemplated my choices. I wished I could say that my faith held strong and constant, but truthfully it was tested and the relentlessness and knowledge of very little pain control in my future tore at me.

So many with chronic pain understand this place; this is a place of struggle and inability to rise above real physical circumstances and is quite to be expected. It is not a place of shame or blame, but simply a place where our resources are not enough to with stand the pain, which in my case was mostly physical, though it did surface after a period of personal loss. I still don’t understand all the "whys" and all the suffering present on earth in my loved ones or myself. Though hope and healing to me now are in the resilience of continuing on in the journey with God when the answers do not come, and it is found especially in this place of darkness of not knowing all. Some times I think it’s simply all about what God has to offer during the suffering, rather than healing. His love is extravagant, but I do believe He is much more interested in our souls then our temporary temples.

I learned that the Light may dim, but will never, ever, go out. The very worst of my darkness lifted a while back, but I do naturally struggle at times when pain and symptoms progress or uncertainty rears it’s ugly head. I’m happy to say that these times are less and are fleeting, that I know God is present and has imparted hope to me, and although I may be fragile at times I’m much stronger in several ways now. My physical suffering is worse, but my mind and spirit are rejoicing in Truth and in the shared experience of others who understand and have walked this same road. It is their brave testimonies that have helped me understand the Holy Spirit’s continued goodness and our worth in His sight. I know now that I can experience love and life during the pain which is just one part of me, not who I am. Thus, the reason why I am beginning to share as I have found that there is much power released in the Spirit through transparency and it is like a chain reaction of love, this lifting one another up.

I also offer this song by Natalie Grant, In Better Hands Now, as I listen to it almost daily amongst my eclectic mix, as it encourages me. I choose this particular video of it as if you look closely, there is a little girl with brownish-red long hair in a field. The lyrics there say "I am safe" and upon viewing it the first time, it took my breath away as though it was me back in time. My fields were my safe place as a child and a place that still remain a refuge of renewal and peace for me today. That clip really warms my heart and also reminds me of my sister and my sister-cousin whom spent our childhoods together roaming in our fields, which were really our safe playground together. "To be" is really all that is for me and now is no longer a question.

Wednesday Photos

2009-03-25T16:22:00.004-04:00

I'm certain by now if you are seeing this you may be getting *really* tired of our bunnies, but I'm not. This is us loving on them on a good day--a "no doctor visit" kind of day. Little One is holding Tina and I've got Cuddles and you see when you name them is when the truth begins to take hold. By that I mean I think they are staying right here rather than leaving, so us girls are in a bit of trouble and seem to need another double hutch, unless we can find some homes that we can TRUST will take the finest care of my babies and soon.

My Peace Field

2009-03-15T19:09:00.004-04:00

I had a hard time waiting until "Wednesday Photo" day to post this one. First of all, I'm anticipating a really busy and challenging week. Also I'm aware that it officially will be spring, on the calendar at least, very soon. So, I thought I'd share one of my special fields with you. I have many that I go to for gathering up quiet moments, but this one is actually across the road from me and is very special even though it is not my own. I affectionately refer to it as "my" peace field and it is so soothing at sunset. I am notorious for slipping away from the house without anyone knowing and fleeing to this little refuge. I'm not quite sure what any of the neighbors think when they see me there leaning on that top railing with my arms and supporting my head and I gaze outward for a good half hour or so a few times a week, but it is renewing to me. I often think of it as my own personal Meeting for Worship place. Therefore these words come to mind:

"Be still and cool in mind and spirit from your own thoughts. Then you will feel the principle of God turn your mind to the Lord God." (Fox 1658)

Winter Garden

2009-03-09T16:27:00.003-04:00

My diet includes copious amounts of fruits and vegetables and I am constantly searching for ways to entice my children to share in this habit. It’s not going well, but this is one of our success stories. Every year, though my girls are getting older they still want to do a "winter garden" project for part of their science class and I thought I better post this before it is officially spring. It’s very simple, as we just purchase any available root vegetables locally such as turnips, parsnips, carrots, yams and rutabagas.

We gather clear glass bowls, toothpicks and cut off the tops of the vegetables. Next they get placed in the separate bowls using the toothpicks to hold them up level with the water underneath. We observe the changes of green foliage sprouting upward and those that take root downward into the water. It’s interesting to note the differences and some years we really feel like they are over taking our windowsill like a jungle, they grow so fast. I have the girls draw and report their observations for 3-4 weeks.

As to not waste any remaining vegetables, we always peel, cut and wash the rest and roast them for dinner. It’s interesting how when kids are involved in the project they seem to be a bit more likely to eat them. We sprinkle the vegetables with a good amount of olive oil, sea salt, dill and parsley. Any seasonings you wish would work and we bake at 400 degrees for about 45 minutes. I usually add a few white potatoes to the mix to mellow out the stronger tasting vegetables.

My, How They Grow !

2009-03-04T09:39:00.004-05:00

The growth of bunnies is just so fun to watch, as every day there are changes that are observable even to the most active child who cannot stop twirling around the pen, which seems to be in our kitchen right now. We are having a real cold snap here with temperatures in the single digits, so they were moved from the hutch, to a pen in the barn and now that pen is in the middle of my kitchen. Let me just say, I am allergic to them, and the cedar chips in their pen are even worse. I have to admit, it's worth it to me to watch this stage. The first photo shows their eyes just opening into little slits on day seven. At that time, they began to venture out of the nest, but still returned back in and burrowed for warmth. By day nine their eyes were wide open and they wobbled around the pen a bit more, but always coming back to one another, as if they were inseparable twins. The last photo, is day 10 and you can see they are picking up weight, which is fascinating as the doe only nurses once or twice per day. Today is day thirteen and we have been thoroughly entertained yesterday and today, as while they still wobble a bit, they are hopping all over the pen and landing in their momma's food bowl and doing all sorts of antics. They no longer need their nest, but sleep together for warmth. Mother rabbits are not as nurturing as I've observed cats or dogs to be at all, but like their freedom and a good break to run around outside of their pens. It's fairly safe to say that the little siblings are quite co-dependant and it is so sweet to watch! Only about 4-6 more weeks until they can be separated from the mother to be given away. The bargaining conversations have begun already.........

Wordless Wednesday

2009-02-25T09:29:00.001-05:00

The Bunnies are Born

2009-02-23T10:41:00.008-05:00

I think this counts for Life Science credits for home school! We bred our Jersey Woolies and had success this time. They were born early the morning of Thursday, February 19. The gestation time until birth is approximately 28-31 days and ours were born on day 29, so this momma was on schedule. About 4-5 days prior to birth, the doe starts to build her nest--big clue the birth is imminent and exciting to watch. As you can see, the momma uses her own fur for lining the nest and this creates incredible warmth. The doe works so hard at this and exhausts herself. It truly is amazing to watch. Last time we bred, we had 4 bunnies, this time she produced 3, but we lost one, which is all part of the lesson. As you can see, they are like tiny little mice when they are born and without fur. The photos are early day one and already today which is day 5, we see a shade of tan/buff color appearing and they are beginning to jump up a bit and squeal for their momma's milk. They squirm together for warmth and are full of energy. No eyes open yet, so I will update with photos in a few days. There are changes every single day!

Old Friends

2009-02-18T11:29:00.003-05:00

There are those who touch our lives and we are never quite the same. I’m busy thanking many people in my life now and those in the past that have helped make me what I am today. It’s a concern on my heart this month as so many have cared, given and prayed for me in my illness also. If you are one of those people, I thank you too. This is just a quick piece I jotted down for fun knowing that this person will not give me a grade as in English class so long ago.

Old Friends

Remembering you is to be carefree
and safe and
young again.
To just drive
and listen to music to see where
the road leads us.

It’s that long ago, far away friendship
that has never quite gone out
though the years are mostly
silent, but how do you do,
are you alright?
how are the kids, and oh!
what great weather.

Deep inside is a collage of memories,
quiet moments
Friday the thirteenth
and thirteen sets of deer eyes in the
headlights, endless conversations
late into the night.

Holding hands and helping
two young sisters by
listening and caring,
resembling the family
I think you know I needed.
You gave more than I
had to offer; I’ve not forgotten that.

There is a knowledge,
in this peaceful recollection
that the friendship
is still out there and
I am better for it.
May I say thank you again
after all these years?
Jan Lyn

A Real Juggling Act

2009-02-17T22:22:00.002-05:00

I really hesitated to begin a blog, especially one that had a label of home school within it. The truth is, while all looks rosy in a blog , life is not always as it appears. I know I have read my share of blogs and compared our schooling, which really is not beneficial nor does it even has any correlation as each home school is unique as each family.

For starters, we don’t get out of the house nearly as much as it may seem in this blog and some days rather than schooling within our nice neat room, I school off the couch as it is more comfortable or cannot resist sitting there instead as it is just cozier with the sun streaming in. Also I have good intentions to uphold our starting time and realize the girls have gotten "stuck" doing their chores. They obey and do what they are told, but also get side tracked by letting the rabbits loose in the horse barn and other such maneuvers while feeding all the animals. Consequently, we have a few good habits to enforce and for me as well, as those few extra quiet moments are heavenly.

So, for entertainment purposes here is a further glimpse of some of the things that have occurred at our Home Life Academy this past month. For one, life and death seem to be an obsessive topic. That’s right, in the middle of a perfectly lovely lesson on a Thornton W Burgess book, the girls keep bringing up the topic of our dead horse, in detail I might add. Allowing a bit of time to process this, we finally move on and they interject how our next horse we attempted to purchase went blind! Yes, this is true. Youngest daughter begins to cry and laments how she still wants him and do I recall that last month we read a wonderful story on Louis Braille? I do, but back to Burgess, please!

Next, I announce math time and both daughters groan loudly and slip off to grab a snack. I go ahead and submit to their plans knowing they will be happier mathematicians if I allow tummies to be filled first. On their way out of the school room, the Math U See blocks are dumped leaving over 100 math bars of various colors and sizes scattered on the floor mingling with all the primacolor pencils that were tumbled about during read aloud time. From a distance, I hear the youngest asking the oldest what "viagra" and "libido" mean again as she did not quite understand the responses we gave her over dinner hour the previous evening. Obviously this is a result of viewing television commercials. No, being parent is not for cowards as the oldest has just said, "You better go ask mom."

I think to myself, if they were in public school there would be no need to come ask Mom. Though perhaps still best to get the facts from a parent rather than some child busily picking their nose. No offence meant toward the public school or the child with the nose issue as I am a happy product of the public school system. It was just a fleeting thought of a clean house, an ability to nap and a few more conversations with a real live adult from time to time. It’s a swift thought though, as I’ve done the public school stunt as well with my oldest and it is not as easy as it sounds or cost effective either in spite of our tax dollars at work.

So, glancing at my watch, I realize we are behind a few subjects when Grandparent #1 decides that Home Ec is going to occur in 45 minutes from now and rather than eating snack, lunch would have been more appropriate. Grandparent #2 has figured out that #1 is coming and they will not visit now due to this. I end up feeling guilty for just being me. This is all without mentioning the necessary vacuum job, a doctor’s phone call and the 2 loads of laundry thrown in between grammar and spelling lessons that are still not finished. Top that off with a phone call from my son whom has seemingly locked his keys in his van at a convenience store down town. This is not the first time to put it bluntly.

Consequently, I am giving you this little bird’s eye view of our life and times so that no one in the home schooling world gets the impression that all is perfect here. It is not, and it is often a real juggling act, but we always seem to get the job done some how and most days are much more in orderly and academic than this. The one thing we can always count on is that every day is different and most days our fumbles fill us with memories of smiles and giggles along with the groans so I count my blessings we are still continuing on here. There is rarely a dull moment.....

Wednesday Photos for My Valentine

2009-02-11T10:13:00.004-05:00

Hardly wordless after 23 years. "Still believing in the one thing that has gotten us this far..... that's what love is for." -A. Grant

Lots of Love,

Love Quotes and Poems

2009-02-08T13:31:00.003-05:00

I’m not big on supporting the Hallmark card industry and bearing gifts in February, though I find it irresistible not to celebrate some thing that pertains to hearts in small ways. Being that I’m not too creative right I offer no originals, but will share a few from my ever- growing list of favorites. The girls like to choose their own copy work for penmanship practice and have used a few of these so far this month. They have an ever growing aversion to workbooks and like to make their own. I totally agree.

Love.....bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things
endures all things.
1Corinthians 13:7

Love is the great beautifier.--Louisa May Alcott

Never a lip is curved with pain
That can’t be kissed into a smile again.--Brete Hart

......here us the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)–ee cummings

All children are beautiful when they’re loved.--Bertha Holt

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength.
While loving someone deeply gives you courage.–Lao Tzu

And now here is my secret, a very simple secret;
it is only with the heart that one can see rightly,
what is essential is invisible to the eye.–Antoine de Saint-Exupery

The first duty of love-is to listen.–Paul Tillich

In our life there is a single
color, as on an artist’s
palette,
which provides the
meaning of life and art.
It is the color of love.–Marc Chagall

No disguise can long conceal love where it exists, or long feign it where it is lacking." ~ Francois La Rochefoucauld

Love is an energy which exists of itself. It is its own value.
-Thornton Wilder

Love is the only sane and satisfactory answer to the problem of human existence.
-Erich Fromm

If music be the food of love, play on.
-- William Shakespeare

Wordless Wednesday

2009-02-04T09:19:00.000-05:00

All Those Names

2009-02-01T12:49:00.003-05:00

"The real problem of the Christian life comes where people do not usually look for it. It comes the very moment you wake up each morning. All your wishes and hopes for the day rush at you like wild animals. And the first job each morning consists simply in shoving them all back, in listening to that other voice, taking that other point of view, letting that other larger, stronger, quieter life come flowing in. And so on, all day. Standing back from all your natural fussings and frettings; coming in out of the wind."--CS Lewis

Amazing. So I am not the only one that awakes each morning and wrestles with the day and longs for that other voice. I struggle with all those names from the past the most. Names that a child would take in, names that an adult would wrap their clenched fists around for decades. Shame that surfaces as evidence that I have held on to blame that should have been stripped down to the naked truth long ago.

We all grow up with other names like skinny, four eyes, various nicknames, it’s only natural. Probing deeper the knife cuts and twists with a list that repeats through the day in a persistent dripping manner like a faucet that cannot seem to be fixed. I hear the names: unacceptable, hypochondriac, paranoid, ungrateful, marginal Christian, and perhaps the lie from the Enemy I disdain the most, anorexic. That one cuts to the core but I understand that not all people are knowledgeable of the fact that weight is not a mathematical equation when one lives daily with disease.

Then names bob up from my own pity pool of tears as well, without warning. They sputter off stupid, looser, forgetful, and my latest is damaged goods, now that I have topped off the pile of physical quirks with autoimmune disease. This is wasted time this self-taunting, adding to the already toxic pile. Why have I answered to these names for so long? Why would I allow them to even be heard as a child of God?

I have no excuse as an adult for recording these names, but I do think chronic illness sufferers are more at risk to be branded with some needless titles, as often misunderstood as so much can be invisible to the eye and so completely foreign to what other people experience. If for anything, so far it has made me cling to that which is spiritual and go deeper during this season than relying on people. Glancing back from where I am now, I see a God who longed to be more intimate with me, to love me more than anyone else could. God wanted my attention and more of it. At any rate, this name calling all comes at a high price. It can cause us to love and seek to please inappropriately for approval sake or may rob one of never truly loving fully or allow one to accept love freely back if one doesn’t love themselves first. It steals the freedom that is truly offered in Christ.

My best solution lately besides washing names and shame away down the drain each night, is allowing the unnecessary baggage fade. It’s in just dropping one name at a time quietly at the feet of the One with nail-scarred hands and remembering where worth is found and where it is not. It’s a total shift of focal point, a retraining of a stubborn child to walk an entirely different path and I have not achieved it but am more aware of it. I am separating truth from falsehood daily. I’ve tossed the blame a while back, but kept the names like an obligatory gift that cannot be returned. Stupid I know. There I go again....

So this waking to the light of a new day, feeling my heartbeat, regardless of pain and imperfection, I lay still and aware of each day being full and pregnant with life. It is my life and spirit connected to the Spirit in that this new practice occurs and fills the spaces that all these names took up. I refocus my human blurry sight and focus on the Light and that bit of Light within me and greet the Living Water, Spirit, Bread of Life, Abba Father, Lover of my soul each morning and throughout my day. It helps to get the focus off me and where it should be. That is familiar territory, but this quiet whisper back that I must strain to hear is ever new, and calls me: Joyful, Hopeful, Beloved Child, Over-Coming One, Friend of God, Acceptable, and Beautiful in His sight. I startle at this reality of love, that I’ve once again pushed down too long and I seek His face. My heart sings and spills "I have found the One whom my soul loves" and He has a name and has named me.

Wordless Wednesday

2009-01-28T12:26:00.002-05:00

What I've learned so far this year is that a wordless, peaceful moment with an 18 year old son is priceless.

Cirlcle Time and Things Quakerly?

2009-01-27T21:13:00.006-05:00

This year, I brought back the old idea of "circle time" borrowing from the earliest days of my career that began with teaching preschool. Of course this is different at older ages, while we come together for a simple gathering time before we start into our academics. I allow a sharing time and find this is not only profitable for language skills and catching up, but with also cutting chatter that can delay the transition of our subjects. We may share a journal entry, narrate a book that one is reading, share a verse, quote or experience. Some days, artwork will come out or music and I smile to myself as it appears a bit like "show and tell". I tend to share with the girls as well so it is a even exchange and pleasant for us. Next, we survey the weeks goals, determine if we are meeting them and make necessary changes. This time is informal yet helps us realize some of our progress and our desires. So we are often problem solving and reaching for ways to keep learning cooperatively throughout our day. It has lead me to the realization that we are integrating some Quakerly ways in this sharing and by the addition of a bit of silent time/prayer prior to lunch which we began about 3 years ago. In the evening, my husband chooses to pray aloud at dinner, which had been our practice for years so the children are experiencing both.

For other Quaker home educators, a good friend alerted me to a wonderful website for children entitled KidsQuake, an outreach of Philadelphia Yearly Meeting. It offers stories, history, a "Walk Gently" poster we hung in the schoolroom this month and interactive activities. Currently we are going over their Quaker Testimonies & Queries for Kids based on SPICES, which stands for simplicity, peace, integrity, community, equality and stewardship. It’s a great resource to check out. Another site I have found helpful for resources is http://www.quakerbooks.org/ which is The Friend’s General Conference and through it we have been introduced to the Growing in the Light series which is really simple but outstanding an introduction for children to prepare for Meeting for Worship when not familiar. There is a large selection of children’s books for all ages and our favorite read aloud lately from that site has been Standing in the Light from the Dear America Series. Although it’s a historical novel, I think it an excellent portrayal of 18th Century life of a Quaker girl and is aimed at a reading level of age 8-13 I’d say. There are reproductions and drawings which are quite accurate in the conclusion.

The photos are from our circle time last week as the girls often like to review their art history scrapbook. I had picked up the scrapbook years ago and it is made from recycled pressed paper with real leaves which makes it more of a treasure to me. It’s a bit hard to see but we mount small reproductions from Meet the Masters or post cards from the National Art Gallery and then they write about what they see and facts on each artist, much like a simple picture study. We had not done this for 2 years, so are getting back to some activities we loved and found it to be nice glimpse back in time as we could see improvement in handwriting skills through the years. We also found evidence of my son's participation in some of his earliest years which was great fun for his sisters now that he is a senior.

Our School Update

2009-01-26T17:01:00.006-05:00

Being that we are almost through the month of January I am reviewing changes that we have made which have worked and those which have not. I admit that I am still vacillating between Charlotte Mason’s recommendation of short lessons for concentrated attention and diving into topics for longer periods to satisfy our curiosity on topics of special interest to us. It may not be consistent, but we are doing both according to subject and I've decided this is not such a bad practice in consideration of the girl's ages now.

First of all the State History cd rom course proved to be too much on top of The Story of the World for my oldest daughter. I have to say that even I am hooked on Story of the World by Bauer and am compelled to complete the series which will bring us through volume 4 by the end of next year. We’re going with a more hands on approach, Lord willing, this spring of getting out and touring Trenton and various sites, reading some NJ history and scrap booking it. For math, Teaching Textbooks wins hands down. Out of the five various curriculum we have used to teach math here through the years, this gets my vote. Saxon is out of my life for good and it’s freeing, as while popular it just was not a good fit for my daughters as it used to be for my son. My oldest is completely independent with this teaching program and the perk is that it corrects errors visually for the student. My youngest is loving a turn at the computer on her programs, but honestly we have not reached the level of independence I had hoped for, but at least there is improvement. We have worked out a written list of independent work to be complete quietly if I have the distraction of company, a phone call or a necessary appointment. Little measures can go a long way to problem solve to keep the day moving. This is helping me keep our concentrated learning time on schedule so that I have some time to myself each afternoon.

We are accepting help of our math tutor more frequently and the girls and also have begun sewing lessons by machine for the first time. So, I am delegating and welcoming more help than ever and intend on continuing that each year as possibilities arise. I have always encouraged the bulk of academics in the mornings and long afternoons for art, reading, hobbies and outdoors whenever possible. This is some times hard due to the ferocious competition of tv and electronics, but I'm trying to limit that, which makes for some unhappy looks at times. Evenings are for reading once again both a loud and independently as well as music practice time. My youngest is loving the harp and making great progress with her lessons, but my older daughter feels certain at this point that she wants to move on from the piano to guitar still but I’ve not yet located the right arrangement for our needs.

We began home schooling for purely academic and health reasons but through the years have stuck with it for the freedom and along with that we gradually have added small lessons of faith and character usually without formal planning. I tend not to use religious curriculum any more especially in the areas of science and history as I want a well rounded approach and questions and discussions naturally arrive. In fact the entire day is ripe for incidental learning. I have always preferred to encourage prayer, Bible reading and the reading of additional spiritual books through own example rather than telling the children what to do. Also through the years, I’ve provided verses and quotes for the kids to use weekly if they so choose to. It’s funny how when one does not push or make requirements, a child willingly places forth the effort on their own terms when they are ready and watching that unfold is lovely. Both daughters typically pull one card from the basket each week and utilize it for penmanship, placing it alongside various quotes and poems in their practice books which they seem to cherish and personalize. It’s good to watch them grow spiritually at their own pace and they seem to "get it" more all the time.

Wednesday Photos

2009-01-21T22:10:00.003-05:00

I planned on participating in "Wordless Wednesdays" with photos every once in a while, but it seems that I have difficulty with the "wordless" part! It is breeding time here for some of our rabbits and the deed has been done. These are some photos from this past summer so you can see why I love my bunnies and am quite particular about our Jersey Wooly breed. They are a gentle and sweet rabbit almost like having cats. I'm hoping we are successful this time and if so, will post more photos to show the kits after they are born as well as their development.

Kids, Pets and Perservering with Hope

2009-01-18T21:02:00.006-05:00

Hope is risky as it involves coming out of my own cocoon of fear and trying again. This transformation is a wild, unrestrained act. It takes all of my strength to hope, to make choices that may alter life again, even small decisions are laborious for me. Last weekend, we had to put our miniature horse down. It left me unspeakable at first as Shannon was a loved horse but also was a mark of deliberate transformation which took courage for our family after a series of loss. Shannon was our visual reminder of hope and of persevering together; she was a loved pet but also a symbol of living and loving together again.

Honestly, my first reaction to her acute illness was not only shock and pain, but anger. I was angry my children could not be protected from hurt once again. Down on my knees, in the barn with my daughter I wept, and not only for our horse but for the insecurity that this life keeps blasting them with. I will never forget the look on my youngest daughter’s face as she bravely stroked and kissed as the injection worked it’s way. Then moments later she finally gave up and limply laid her head and arms spanning the horses belly and sobbed. Afterwards I staggered my way back to the house, knowing full well I had round two of consoling to do with my other daughter. She had done the majority of the work with the horse so willingly as it was her joy, not to mention all my husband put into it—countless hours and work.

This sting of life cannot be avoided and I know that as an adult. I knew that well as a child, but as a mother pain reaches an entirely different level. It feels as if pain multiplies when seeing the ones you love hurt and having no way to protect them. For the most part, I’m grateful as I know so full well that others have it worse and this is just an animal and a lengthy string of events. So I pray for those traversing more profound loss now and relinquish them to the Comfortor. But I keep thinking of this series of events the past three years have brought us–failed adoptions, two stolen cats, the death of a rabbit, further diagnosis’, relationship loss and it all seems preposterous to me, really sort of surreal. I’m thinking about this new year and how I will live it, what choices I will make. Will we float, sink or even try again? I know we are all steadying ourselves this week and regaining our course and there are already signs of strength in my children to not give up. Most of all I know that this shook my world as I saw yet another glimpse of my children’s grieving process again and that’s unsettling.

Consequently, we have talked and cried for days reliving the bad pictures we cannot get out of our minds, but I want us to be a family that communicates rather than avoiding feelings like the plague. I know this is yet another opportunity to teach what is natural in this life and the weight of that responsibility entrusted at times is a heavy load. However, they have to know there will be tough decisions, sorrow and death mixed in with happiness as it all co-exists. We've also realized the good and the joy we have been able to feel again.

The experience really left us reviewing so many of our decisions in the past few years and if they have been blunders or divine appointments, what God is trying to teach us and how to listen for his leadings. Really pretty deep ideas for a 9 and 12 year old to have need to ponder. We’ve discussed how it feels when God wants us to yield to his higher purpose even when we do not understand it clearly. In the end we have confessed that we all wish we could be physically picked up by God, placed in the right position and told to walk straight ahead. How great that would be to know exactly what God would desire of us! I am such a tactile learner, I’d like to actually touch the openings and closings God has in store for me as I touch nature’s gifts along a wooded path and find my way. Unfortunately, there are no short cuts, no secret passage ways, but more a calling to listen, remain faithful and to keep moving forward.

This faithfullness is seemingly the part that matters the most. The part I want our children to keep aiming for in order to avoid the trap of fear from life’s many hurts. I want them to keep living, risking and enjoying to the fullest. Like most parents, I want them to be more accomplished at this than I have been. Most of all, I wish for them to be transformed by the living Light with a passion to guide them along their own way in this journey. I want them to remember what is most important, that which is Eternal.

As for Shannon Joy, she was a beautiful tri-colored Paint who gave us many memories in a short period of time and will be remembered by the 3 colored braids of her mane kept as a reminder of her. She will be another memory that has taught us all to trade our weakness for God’s strength in order to carry on. I know we will float and launch again real soon.