Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Autumn Blessings

I pray, I give thanks and count. It’s another day aching in and I pull the covers up for a few more minutes. I don’t know any other way to combat this–the tears and fears that some times accompany chronic illness, that illness that will never ever go away. S-j-o-g-r-e-n-‘s. I actually have to spell it for some of my doctors.

Mornings have been a beast lately. I awake with the relentless pain from the night before and it greets me loudly. My eyes must be ever so delicately opened enough to put in the first drops of the day, a swallow of water washes down the first set of meds through my swollen throat. I burn. My stomach up to my throat, tongue, nose and eyes all burn and seem to over-ride the body pain these days. I wish I did not have to get up so soon.

Some days I wish I didn’t have to continue on.

Mothers aren’t supposed to think this way. Married wives are not to have these thoughts and certainly not the Christ-followers, or do we–are we simply human too?

I pray, wait for eyes to focus a bit and swallow the first words of the day as well. Then I pick up my pen and give thanks for.....

baskets of apples
autumn pictures made by my girls
long brown hair and pig tails
walking the dog at dusk
a listening ear
faithful friends from the past
a secret journal that is not secret from God
the scent of pies a faithful husband has made
the sound of walking through the leaves
family still willing to sit around my table
sheer white curtains
darkness so that I might greater appreciate the light
favorite verses
gentle reminders to live today

I know that God never promised his friends there would be no suffering, but he did speak a lot on fear. The much loved verses come to my mind in the early hours of silence and I cling.

"I sought the Lord and He answered me, and delivered me from all my fears." (Psalm 34:4)

And so I get up and face the gift of a new day and some how the words come alive for me. Young ones are waiting on me for circle and schooling time and they teach me much about how to pray, give thanks and keep counting all the blessings.

"I know that today's discouragement will be replaced by tomorrow's joy."
Isaiah 51:11


Ganeida said...

Oh, Jan Lyn! Prayers for His peace.

My Dearest is now on morphine patches. Doesn't get rid of his pain, but dulls it enough that his life becomes bearable most days. It is so hard. I can't imagine living with such relentless pain, or my life becoming such a burden to myself.

Love across cyberspace. ♥♥♥

Renee said...

Oh Jan Lyn,
I just want you to know you are in my prayers for your terrible relentless pain and other symptoms that come with your illness. I love the verses you shared..a comfort to me too.
Your list of autumn blessings made me smile as I am sure they did for you too.
Gentle hugs, Jan Lyn....gentle hugs and warm thoughts and prayers for you this night.

Heather said...

{{{{{hugs}}}}}, my good friend.

Jan Lyn said...

Thank you ladies for "listening" to my Kind of having to get it out a bit lately, but the Spirit has been after me to combat it with gratitude.

I so appreciate your prayers and friendship. I will keep your Dearest in prayer as well, Ganeida. Sounds tough.

Much love,
Jan Lyn

naturalmom said...

I'm so sorry you have such pain. I'll be holding you in the Light tonight. gentle (hug)