Here We Go Again

One glance out the window and I read three bodies like a book. Husband’s confidant and strong, one daughter steady and the other is absolutely distraught looking at our latest mess. Two horses, one running strong and the other one visibly sick. Then there’s me right then and there, having that same conversation with God, thanking him for his very Being in the midst of our complexities which we often bring on ourselves.

I’m holding on thanking him for his Presence with eyes wide open. Telling him once again I don’t understand, I whine a bit but tell him it’s all good. I know there’s good. The ill horse has gotten strangles–horse strep–every horse owner’s nightmare. I continue praying; I’m whispering my story, what’s important to me. It’s that story where my kids grow up with security, free from fear with a happy ending, but once again my heart’s skipped a beat.

The phone conversation repeats in my mind: highly contagious, too late to quarantine the other horse, no medication at this point so we just let it run it’s course. I think some people purchase a horse, put it in a field and it lives there for 25 or so years and then dies. Not our story. Well this is, and as symptomatic as this illness in horses go, it’s upper gland on the side of it’s neck has finally abscessed, split open and is draining white thick fluid like water pouring out of a hose. It’s day three and it is still draining.

Some times all gives way. Life is like that.

This will pass, though things like this tend to trip me. See, I’ve always been a late bloomer. I’ve had a strong faith for so long, but fears and trust issues challenge me periodically. I fall but I always get back up because it’s God that holds my hand and makes me a bit stronger, more focused, determined and growing in peace. I can’t do life without this praying continuously. But kids–kids are a big leap of faith. They are God’s and he’s entrusting them to me for a time, which is a huge responsibility.

So, how do you tell them that life’s slippery and it hurts, that all the while still hope glistens and there is joy if you hold on at the same time. That’s it, I mean, the holding on I must teach them as I learn myself. It’s not the same manner of living I lived just a short few years back; it is new territory. The little one has not had a similar experience as our older children. She’s experienced a lot of failed plans, and seen a lot more pain. She can only remember me sick, she does not remember the secure times, the times filled with spontaneous life and laughter. It some how doesn’t feel fair, her being the most sensitive of the bunch but life is not about being fair. Some days I think she is being prepared for quite a journey and is gathering training and strength to run her own race with resilience and I guess they all are.

I awake to a new day and her crying. She’s responding to being told that she is not to go into the horse area for a few days and that her father will feed and care for her horses. The cries don’t stop from this little one and as certain as I breathe, I knew they would not any time soon. Neither will she accept a hug or any consolation until she’s exhausted herself. My heart twists, as while watching this quiet one on the surface, she is normally doing all she can to please, but at the same time there is this little undertow of current with waves that crash due to her stubborn love. There is a small place that does not go with the flow. She is familiar. I recognize the way she loves and it is relentless, coming from a heart that spills. She’s heart broken down to her toes. She’s in for days stretched out before her of not hugging, touching, or grooming her horses needing all the while to care for them in illness and it’s due to me, her momma. A momma that needs to err on the side of caution due to taking immune-suppressant drugs. This momma hurts for both daughters, feels hope shot so soon in our second try to move on with these horses after the death of our first. Perhaps I am too introspective as my Beloved here motions about finely tuned and taking care of business as normal, sure in the midst of the heart spill. But there is an ache on the way to eventual happiness around the corner again, as this hurt and joy given mingle. I see a "maybe happy ending" out the window now that the little horse is eating it’s grain. It will turn around again. I want to turn around again.

I know that I should not shelter my children and I cannot take away life’s uncertainties. Every day is a precious opportunity to learn together how to accept and live this life. While some times I’m mumbling my words as I go along in prayer and other times in communion within silence, each day is a new story of learning to rest, trust and grasp hold of the abundant life, the one we all have been granted.

Little one finally accepts that hug and holds tight, our tears becoming one stream together. I read her face again and know we will be alright. It takes me a while to get there too, but the verse comes to me without seeking it out: "Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus." (1 Thess. 5:16-18.)

Do the Next Thing

Some times I fail to know what to do; what step I should take next and what purpose life now holds. In the past years, I’ve tried on various roles like some people try on clothing. At times I make mistakes and need to yield to where God is leading me more. I am not a perfect girl. It’s a serious topic for discussion actually, but today I’m not delving in deep. In fact, I’ve gone rather quiet about talking over such matters. But actually, I do attempt to seek what God intends for each day and I try to listen.

So, I listen and in the mean time wonder what do I do when I’ve failed 2 adoptions, been diagnosed with autoimmune disease, and lost my career? What do I do when I have to put a horse down, put money on another horse and it suddenly goes blind, and then next be told I may go blind some day?!? I know, I know–it all sounds like a bad riddle!

The answer is I don’t know. Not only do I not know, but I don’t intend on sitting here any more thinking about it all so much. That didn’t work as it was upsetting, selfish, dull, dangerous and just not much fun to be around. It’s time to recall God’s faithfulness in the past and once again time to try to do the next thing. So I have–we have–this past weekend, brought home two new miniature horses. Please meet Starlight and Moonshine, our new 3 year old geldings. The "next thing" is I am going to learn how to cart and my husband and daughter are going to teach me. After that, I’m not quite certain, but I think I’m on the edge, to the brink, of making more peace within while not always knowing what is next in just living each day. Not every day, but most days. Perhaps another way will open for more serious endeavors or maybe my path is being made plain and clear to become more still and faithful than I’ve been in the past. At any rate, it took no time at all to love these minis, as it was love at first sight. I got my boys.....

The Bunnies are Born

I think this counts for Life Science credits for home school! We bred our Jersey Woolies and had success this time. They were born early the morning of Thursday, February 19. The gestation time until birth is approximately 28-31 days and ours were born on day 29, so this momma was on schedule. About 4-5 days prior to birth, the doe starts to build her nest--big clue the birth is imminent and exciting to watch. As you can see, the momma uses her own fur for lining the nest and this creates incredible warmth. The doe works so hard at this and exhausts herself. It truly is amazing to watch. Last time we bred, we had 4 bunnies, this time she produced 3, but we lost one, which is all part of the lesson. As you can see, they are like tiny little mice when they are born and without fur. The photos are early day one and already today which is day 5, we see a shade of tan/buff color appearing and they are beginning to jump up a bit and squeal for their momma's milk. They squirm together for warmth and are full of energy. No eyes open yet, so I will update with photos in a few days. There are changes every single day!

Wednesday Photos

I planned on participating in "Wordless Wednesdays" with photos every once in a while, but it seems that I have difficulty with the "wordless" part! It is breeding time here for some of our rabbits and the deed has been done. These are some photos from this past summer so you can see why I love my bunnies and am quite particular about our Jersey Wooly breed. They are a gentle and sweet rabbit almost like having cats. I'm hoping we are successful this time and if so, will post more photos to show the kits after they are born as well as their development.

Kids, Pets and Perservering with Hope

Hope is risky as it involves coming out of my own cocoon of fear and trying again. This transformation is a wild, unrestrained act. It takes all of my strength to hope, to make choices that may alter life again, even small decisions are laborious for me. Last weekend, we had to put our miniature horse down. It left me unspeakable at first as Shannon was a loved horse but also was a mark of deliberate transformation which took courage for our family after a series of loss. Shannon was our visual reminder of hope and of persevering together; she was a loved pet but also a symbol of living and loving together again.

Honestly, my first reaction to her acute illness was not only shock and pain, but anger. I was angry my children could not be protected from hurt once again. Down on my knees, in the barn with my daughter I wept, and not only for our horse but for the insecurity that this life keeps blasting them with. I will never forget the look on my youngest daughter’s face as she bravely stroked and kissed as the injection worked it’s way. Then moments later she finally gave up and limply laid her head and arms spanning the horses belly and sobbed. Afterwards I staggered my way back to the house, knowing full well I had round two of consoling to do with my other daughter. She had done the majority of the work with the horse so willingly as it was her joy, not to mention all my husband put into it—countless hours and work.

This sting of life cannot be avoided and I know that as an adult. I knew that well as a child, but as a mother pain reaches an entirely different level. It feels as if pain multiplies when seeing the ones you love hurt and having no way to protect them. For the most part, I’m grateful as I know so full well that others have it worse and this is just an animal and a lengthy string of events. So I pray for those traversing more profound loss now and relinquish them to the Comfortor. But I keep thinking of this series of events the past three years have brought us–failed adoptions, two stolen cats, the death of a rabbit, further diagnosis’, relationship loss and it all seems preposterous to me, really sort of surreal. I’m thinking about this new year and how I will live it, what choices I will make. Will we float, sink or even try again? I know we are all steadying ourselves this week and regaining our course and there are already signs of strength in my children to not give up. Most of all I know that this shook my world as I saw yet another glimpse of my children’s grieving process again and that’s unsettling.

Consequently, we have talked and cried for days reliving the bad pictures we cannot get out of our minds, but I want us to be a family that communicates rather than avoiding feelings like the plague. I know this is yet another opportunity to teach what is natural in this life and the weight of that responsibility entrusted at times is a heavy load. However, they have to know there will be tough decisions, sorrow and death mixed in with happiness as it all co-exists. We've also realized the good and the joy we have been able to feel again.

The experience really left us reviewing so many of our decisions in the past few years and if they have been blunders or divine appointments, what God is trying to teach us and how to listen for his leadings. Really pretty deep ideas for a 9 and 12 year old to have need to ponder. We’ve discussed how it feels when God wants us to yield to his higher purpose even when we do not understand it clearly. In the end we have confessed that we all wish we could be physically picked up by God, placed in the right position and told to walk straight ahead. How great that would be to know exactly what God would desire of us! I am such a tactile learner, I’d like to actually touch the openings and closings God has in store for me as I touch nature’s gifts along a wooded path and find my way. Unfortunately, there are no short cuts, no secret passage ways, but more a calling to listen, remain faithful and to keep moving forward.

This faithfullness is seemingly the part that matters the most. The part I want our children to keep aiming for in order to avoid the trap of fear from life’s many hurts. I want them to keep living, risking and enjoying to the fullest. Like most parents, I want them to be more accomplished at this than I have been. Most of all, I wish for them to be transformed by the living Light with a passion to guide them along their own way in this journey. I want them to remember what is most important, that which is Eternal.

As for Shannon Joy, she was a beautiful tri-colored Paint who gave us many memories in a short period of time and will be remembered by the 3 colored braids of her mane kept as a reminder of her. She will be another memory that has taught us all to trade our weakness for God’s strength in order to carry on. I know we will float and launch again real soon.

Our Mini Shannon

We certainly have a way of picking animals. It's taken five months now to get this miniature horse calm enough to accomplish this photo, but this past weekend was sweet success. I wouldn't say she is broken or bullet proofed by any means, but my two daughters and husband have worked awfully hard to take good care of her and begin simple ground training.

Shannon is 6 years old, give or take some as she was purchased through a breeder that got her from an amish family. We realize that could mean about anything, but one thing for sure is that she was in with about 25 other minis and a stud roaming around and not worked with at all. So, basically we paid a foolish price to rescue her!

Shannon is a size B pinto, and makes it by 1 inch to spare. No perfect lines or papers here, but a real treasure as a pet. She is strong as can be and we figure she can take the weight of our 40 lb. daughter. We have a small saddle as the girls ride a paint up at a neighbors farm, but Teacup was wanting to ride bare back and I thought that might just be alright as this lady is not used to the weight. Obviously we are novices and extremely naive ones at that as we are still trying to decide if we have a fat mini or a mini with foal. We are guessing a fat mini that needs more exercise and less sweet feed. After hearing the additional fee of a pregnancy test on top of our vet bill, we decided to shoot for the surprise method. So far, no surprise and so we are counting the months until she is out of her window of possibilities so that we feel the freedom to exercise her more.

Shannon's got a long ways to go as we still have the occasional attempt to nibble, butt my husband when working in the field and she is just plain a sassy mare. She definitely needs discipline not to get into our personal space! However, through the fence she is as tender as they come with eyes that can melt you. She is a good listener too and we are whispering her into seeing things our way a bit more. I think she's turning around some, enjoying our company and tolerating being petted and groomed much more than before. She's a keeper and the problem with these minis is they are so cute and such social animals that she really needs a friend. Someone once told me they are like potato chips and you just can't have one, but for now we've got one and that's good enough to practice contentedness with. We originally bought her with the intention of cart training but delayed that thought after getting to know Shannon, so we really never dreamed this would occur. Oh, and see the nice smile on my husband's face? What a guy.....he just had his foot stepped on prior to my photo taking. Perhaps new boots are in order for him.