A Quaker Attender?

“It is not in differing from one another

that disunity arises-

it is in not listening to God

and each other.”

`Kenneth Sutton 1989

Recently I’ve had a lot of questions about being a Quaker Attender. People want to know what being a Quaker means and they want to know why it is worth it to me to split our time as a family between church and Quaker meeting. I think if you asked one hundred Friends, you may get one hundred answers about the meaning of being Quaker. It has been a good challenge for me to ponder the question personally.

To me, a Quaker is one who is always seeking God and God’s voice, however one best does that. It is recognizing, and opening my heart to God in me and acknowledging God within others no matter how different they are from me. It is about listening and receiving ministry from God while loving others and at times sharing of myself too. For me, it is about accepting, not rejecting. It is about making one’s circle bigger, not narrower and allowing yourself to listen for truth in that bigger circle. It is about loving, caring and finding peace within yourself so that you might share big portions of that healing presence with others, no matter what “religious language” they speak.

So, why do I attend? Because unprogrammed Quaker worship touches my heart in a way no other form of worship does. Because I yearn for contemplative time and it is not available at church and I go because it is anything but silent. The time is filled with prayer, waiting eagerly on God and renewing my spirit. The practice of listening is sacred to me and I want time to share what I strive to do individually throughout the week together with others. I also want to my children to learn to still and experience that not every moment in life needs to be filled with fast action and entertainment. Then I want to sit back and grant them the freedom and experience the joy in watching them grow wherever they choose to plant themselves.

I go because I love attempting to live out the testimonies daily and though I am at times very slow to speak, I believe that God gives greatly in the unselfing- the shedding our masks and allowing ourselves to be known. He reminds us to attend to ourselves so that we may better honor others and in turn offer them what we have to give. It is in this willing spirit, I remember I am connected to what is much larger than myself and that we are all more alike than not. I am also reminded God loves us all and is pleased when we are in unity.

Likewise, I am pleased when I find unity and love amongst the congregation at church. I think that began for me more when I had peace within myself, knowing I am never out of the presence of God in any context. I enjoy seeing action lived out of strong convictions there. I love to hear the ministry and I enjoy seeing the praise. Any enthusiastic invitations I once perceived as pressure, I have come to see as pure love. I also admit that I like hearing my husband sing and seeing him very happy. There is some thing very special to worship alongside of the one you love dearly.

All people matter so very much to God. My prayer is that God would continue to grow us all as a people together in the larger community of the body of Christ.  In that manner, we would be united in Love with less denominational boundary lines drawn in the larger church including Friends. May I be patient, listen more and talk less and may my heart be in my ears.



A Well Watered Garden

In a well watered garden,

Sun scorched flowers flowed forth

Faces reaching out toward the sun

Washed by streams of pure water

As we too are washed

By the Living Word.

Ever open to receive

New Light.

Living, pouring out

We are watered

When we water others.

Nests

I collect nests. It’s the time of year the birds are done with making them, and their little ones venture out and away. Shortly after, I find a few per year on the ground after a surprise summer storm or wild winds blow unexpectedly. I enjoy arranging them in an indoor display and even tuck a few in my simple holiday decorations each year. Rarely do any visitors notice on their own, but I usually put them through the chore of finding them. It’s fun for me. They are filled with such beauty, but also are reminders of safety to me. They are natural safe havens for baby birds before they take flight into the world on their own.


There is so much God has given us in nature to learn from. All people have the need to feel safe at times, and I find chronically ill people have this need due to the constant uncertainties they live with. I know I do. Fear and anxiety can rear their ugly face.  Nests remind me that my true home is safe in Christ.  Bits of branches like God’s promises are woven together.  Our little home encircles in words and I am reminded to share loving words, grace words and to comfort one another in our home, like that nest when winds here blow too. We hold hands of love both near and far. Here it is safe. Here we help one another. Here is Emmanuel, God with us, who whispers quietly in my heart and yours, do not be afraid.

Wednesday Photos

The past two months we have had great fun making bread with yeast. We never had much success before getting to know and love Kathy Summers. The wheat bread, challah bread and bread pretzels are out of her cookbooks entitled The Best and Easiest Handmade Breads and Healing With Handmade Bread. All the recipes we have tried so far have been truly relaxing and have made the best and quickest bread we have ever had. With these recipes, I am once able to eat bread again after many years. Thanks to Kathy, we are able to "Give thanks. Eat some. Share some" as she says.

Peace is not a Place

As far back as I can recall I was on a quest for peace. Ultimately, I think it’s all I’ve ever really wanted here on this earth. I desired it even as a young child and some how attached peace to long walks alone through the field, up along the bubbling brook and precariously wriggling across fallen logs high up over the water where no one could find me. This desire for peace has never left me through the many stages of life and any shift in maintaining it tends to deflate my world.

Being a young mother was a test of maintaining not only peace, but sanity. I can recall fighting for a chance to even go to the bathroom or take a shower myself and often had one child in with me for safety sake and the others on the other side of the door screaming and pounding. At that time, I had been used to very structured time of daily reading, devotions and prayer life prior to those years and had no clue how to go about re-establishing a connection with God in the midst of the noise and constant motion which motherhood totally obliterated. It was not like I could take time out for scheduled reading, prayer or even a walk along the brook anymore. And I grew weary of rebuking myself for it.

That’s when I first started to look outside the box of what I knew about devotions, quiet time and recapturing peace within my being. I set out on a search and had to throw lot of guilt down the drain on preconceived notions and prescribed schedules that I had viewed as a measurement of spiritual health. As I did, I began to savor any fleeting moments in which I would sense God’s presence deeply.

Consequently I began to look for God’s presence in all my moments through out the day. I found peace and devotion while sitting on the park bench, when smelling a flaming red rose and while watching my kids play and viewing them as silhouettes catching lightening bugs as the sun went down. I saw God in the face of that neighbor who never gave up befriending me. I began to snatch these experiences and reflect on them, then fit in prayer and reading when I could, not necessarily how I was taught, and in return I felt a connection with God in a different way. My guilt released and was replaced by newly found freedom.

Then one day my peaceful world shattered and no matter how one prepares spiritually for that or confidently believes they have faith to handle it well, it takes the experience and time to put it to the test. For a good while I could not put the pieces of life back for myself or my family and I craved peace, retreat, and sanctuary of the soul as I became increasingly ill physically. I yearned for a quiet place to run where I didn’t feel trapped by life circumstances. I wanted my predictable life and so called “normal” family back. It was a tall order as circumstance and illness had disrupted all of our equilibrium and as sick as I was I sat for hours outdoors, I’d walk my property line along my yard and gaze endlessly at the field across my home. I’d do anything to escape the inner confines of my house and the recollection of it all. I’ve always been a runner in my mind.

Silly it was. I bought myself a delicate silver peace necklace which my hand habitually clung to. It was as if I attempted to brand myself with peace but anyone who saw me knew my soul and body were a far cry from that necklace’s proclamation to the world.

Fearing for my family, I was back to the business of restoring order and peace in a house full of strife and like never before I came to understand I had to rest in the truth of what peace really meant to me. I was forced to learn it could not be found by escaping to another place–an open place, not even a quiet place. It can’t always be found in health either. Life doesn’t hand us an eraser to wipe up complexities but it does bring to us the gift of a new morning and a chance to just take the next step in blind trust.

Ultimately, I found peace was not a place we live in, but within our hearts. I was awarded the opportunity to re-frame what I’ve always known about the God I believed in, that he is good and that all from his hand is good though may not initially be welcome through human eyes. He is there to connect with in extraordinary ways and I am still learning that if I cannot have that peace and connection restored within myself and God, I can never find it within walls, outside myself or with the larger world where we are called to continue the good.

It started with the Spirit within my spirit and must co-exist through motherhood, chaos, diagnosis’, and loss. While it eluded me, the more I practiced non-traditional times of silence, the more I began to recapture it when I became willing to bring my true self to God and abide with him. I still have times of more structured worship, but unprogrammed worship has taught me that hiding my emotions within myself or in a field rather than casting them to the Light robs my world and the world around me of peace.

I’m not healed physically but I am here and whom I’m meant to be. There is obviously no perfect life or family but one with love, and many a day I still wear my necklace. I know it is completely unnecessary but the beauty of that Asian peace sign has become a comfort, a symbol of empowerment in Christ; it is a reminder of an objective decision I made for healing what could be restored and to recapture and redefine the peace I craved.

Although there is much more to know about Jehovah Rapha, I believe that true peace is not a place, but God within. That peace is every where I could possibly go and in every circumstance. I take it with me in my heart and especially into the noise and confusion of living. This life is fleeting with much to continue learning about the Spirit and peace, but perhaps too there is still time to let the little kid run and play once in a while rather than yearn so desperately for what has already been granted and just accept the offering with open hands and heart.

“.....peace be with you.”
John19:26

Wednesday Photos

Prairie skirts have been the thing for us girls here this spring. I have the need to wear all cotton clothing. We sent to have them made by Katie's Mercantile, which is very reasonably priced. Katie will even send fabric swatches in the mail if you ask her and they are fun to look at. I miss being able to cross-stitch, so I gave sewing a try after 20 some years and made another one for myself by tracing the first one for a pattern. I was pleasantly surprised I could focus well enough with my eyes, but I have to say I enjoy ordering them much better! Lots of room in them to climb trees still, but we still wear our jeans at home and about also.

I'm Back

I find it absolutely impossible to blog while attending a Spiritual Formation Program and simultaneously home educating my daughters. Thus, these are two of my 101 reasons for being silent here. Please know that I have missed you all and have snuck by your blogs late at night because of it, but haven’t always had time to leave a message. Admittedly so, I did complete Year 1 a month ago, but I’ve had to play catch up in many areas. Also, confession is good for the soul, so I will tell you ahead of time, if I am able to attend Year 2 beginning in September I will once again go quiet in this place. I find myself using the phrase, 'Lord willing' lately!

While catching up with life, I’ve been made aware that I need to limit my time on the internet to balance life and take care of my eyes, for which the screen glare is the worst for dry eye. So, I’ve pruned. I’ve pruned and set time limits and made my computer area a separate little private space in my home, rather than by my favorite chair for less easy access. Presented here for my benefit probably more than yours, are the places I am mostly at and why. Here goes:

My e-mail box- Messages are ‘red flagged’ and deep. I am having trouble keeping up with them all, but love to hear from family and friends, please know I will get to yours in time

The Well-Trained Mind- These ladies know their stuff when it comes to home education. Great place to sell and buy used curriculum and books

Living Whole With Chronic Pain- For when I need a great display of love, unity and courage. They are my family on the net and they make Jesus their center, not their pain.

Face Book-The quickest skim ever once or twice per week, when I am nostalgic for 1981

QuakerQuaker-aka convergent Friends with good reads that enrich my days

Quaker Faith&Fellowship- Mostly quick glances, because it is hard to leave what you helped create and those you love. Because shutting doors on those who have gone out of this life before me I am learning, takes time

That’s about it. I’m aware of my need to re-prioritize life day to day as well as my aim to keep Christ first. It really comes down to obedience, for me. ‘Obedience’ may not be a popular word today and especially amongst Friends, but it is important and not so bad. I am finding life beyond my computer precious and I need to keep in mind it comes first and it is fleeting. The words of Richard Foster to ring true to me right now. Foster said, “Obedience is really not as burdensome as it seems at first blush. We are doing nothing more than falling head over heels in love with the everlasting Lover of our souls. We are responding in the only way we can to the invading, urging, inviting, persuading call of Eternal Love.”